Friend Wanted

Sun 13 May 2012

At this point, it's been weepy for me. If only I had someone like Jeon Jin Ho (in Personal Taste Korean drama) in my life. A man who is dependable, loving, intelligent, caring... Someone who can be with me in this time when I really feel so alone, and so ... afraid and so sad.

But in my life now, I have no friends. Only acquaintances who have come and left.

It may seem impossible, but I cultivated or invested in no friends throughout my years of existence. I smile at the absurdity while typing this.

Thinking of my past love... I had to think back while typing a post regarding my novel in a forum I just created... adds to the sadness.

And all my life, I have done nothing except be a good citizen and exercise a lot and eat fruits and vegetables. What can go wrong?

When I was 25~26, I made it a point to look at myself carefully and closely in the mirror in my room one day. Remember this skin, the brightness of these eyes, the lips, the face... For all these will deteriorate with age.

Unfortunately, I cannot stop the years from going. Neither can I prevent myself from aging and having health problems later in life. Even while looking at myself in the mirror, I know health problems will be inevitable later.

How does it feel to look at your own perfection in the mirror and know at the same time that all these will not stay? Sadness. Tragedy. Inevitability. Powerless to prevent.

Just as Lee Min-ho (the man who plays Jeon Jin Ho) says, he does not like that he is getting older (and he is just 25) when the cast and crew celebrated his 25th birthday on the City Hunter set.

I am sure that, he, like me, knows the meaning of the passage of time and what it will do. Five years ago, he was involved in a serious accident that left him still injured but still able to work/act. A man who has seen the fragility of his life.

Those who have seen it and/or have seen death, will have a maturity different from everybody else's. At 25, his interviews show him to be a mature guy with a quiet intelligence. His eyes speak of a maturity different from other people his age.

Unfortunately, tears do not change the situation. Crying only makes me feel more alone.

I am still stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea *faint smile*.

I do not know whether/if my condition will worsen. I don't know if this anemia will damage my heart, cause heart attack or cause brain damage/stroke subsequently.

The doctors are unkind, uncaring and useless. They should not have spent years in medical education just to have their hands tied saying "I don't know" or just sending the patient home without any comforting advice just because the patient does not want to undergo the only solution they have (blood transfusion).

Blood transfusion is the only solution they have = pathetic.

Yet they don't see it so. The entire 21st century medical science and medical community are pathetic. They don't see it as so?

Instead of healing, they kill. Instead of helping, they harm. Instead of holistic, natural remedies, they recommend methods and procedures with risks.

Their medications are potent, dangerous. They treat patients as playthings for their drugs.

After all their years of study, "doctors"  are impatient, not updated, old-fashioned in their treatments, impersonal, mercenary.

After 4 months, iron supplements have brought my blood count to only 8.6 (normal 11~12). I am having unpredictable, unstable symptoms of the heart that I never had before (even when the blood count was 5.5 and I rejected blood transfusion).

I don't know if my heart can hold up until the blood count rises further. I am afraid it might not.

I don't know why this is happening.  It's ironic since I don't smoke, don't drink and don't generally eat meat. A healthy lifestyle with plenty of exercise and optimism for all these years, come to this.

I don't understand.

The fibroid is kept in check and blood count while low, is still higher than 5.5. Even at 5.5, I didn't have this heart problem.

Bro thinks could be it's taken too long to raise it to 8.6 and the heart has been injured/badly strained.

I think it's because of the low blood count and my vigorous exercise even with the low blood count. It strained the heart too much and now it's showing signs.

If I hadn't exercised during this time, and let the blood count rise first, the symptoms now might not have happened. 

This morning, I felt a little breathless. I tried a Feroglobin capsule for the first time and it got worse quickly. The left side of my head down to my jaw tingled with my hands and feet. I felt my heart strain just sitting at the laptop at my desk, till I had to lie down.

Rising to get to the bed, I felt a little dizzy, a lot of tingling and slight nausea. My hands were perspiring.

Lying down, I felt the tingling subside and my heart calming down.  

Am I going to spend the rest of the days lying down??

Went to the clinic downstairs (Healthplus) and the doc was very unhelpful with a disturbing "lording over" attitude. He should not be a doctor.

He insisted I go for blood transfusion as the only way to fix the problems, and wrote a referral to go to A&E. No time sparred for considering my feelings or anything, even becoming upset that I was dawdling with his advice. Cut everything short by telling it to my face in a very "lord it over" way with his lousy-looking face, that there was nothing he could do, no medication he could appropriately give.

When he did that, he immediately made me feel much worse. My heart beat harder, I could feel my tingling sensations coming back. Anxiety.

How can such a person be a doctor? Making the patient feel worse.

Bro is worried the symptoms might get worse the long we delay blood transfusion. He understands my concerns and fears, but he feels blood transfusion might be the way before it gets worse.

I, as the person enduring this, feels fear. I live in fear every day. Not knowing when the symptoms will come back, when it will be worse, when and if one day... I might just...

A while ago, I created a forum. I've been anxious about whether to do it because I'm afraid of people stealing/taking my work.  Copyright concerns.

But with my health like this, I've anxiety about my work not being seen.

I'd like my life's work to be known. In my own name. Copyrighted.

While the forum I created will likely not have visitors since it will most likely not turn up in search engines... it is still online. Anyone with fate, may drop by. It is no longer just in my laptop, e-mail or handwritten/typed papers in my file folder where nobody knows.

If life ends here, at least... I have done this much.

I've chosen to place my work in a forum is because it is better than just in a blogspot (although I'm also considering placing it in a blogspot).

I've a forum that's been around since 2004. With this history, it's quite certain the forum I just created will be safe. This is considering if/when I am not around.

Blogspot is run by Google which is unpredictable and mercenary. They might shut down anything anytime, even though blogs/sites can remain in cyberspace "forever".

A forum format enables me to partition my work according to how I like. Also, other people can contribute as well, should they wish to.

Putting my work online, I hope they will remain "forever". Known instead of unknown. I do not want to have lived in vain, showing nothing of what I was/am, what I wrote, what I believed in.

Star Trek The Next Generation:  Time's Arrow Season 6 Ep 1 Part 2

Picard: I wish... I wish time would have allowed me to know you better.

Twain: Well, you'll just have to read my books. What I am is pretty much there.

Bro has been asking to go to Swensen's for the past 3 days, and I haven't been able to go with him. Our dinners have been white rice, canned Campbell soup and green boiled vegetables.

I wish I had someone like Jeon Jin Ho with me. Depending on my bro is not enough. He has his moods/attitudes. It can be difficult. It is also straining and stressful on him because of his inability to handle it, apart from his own problems. He does not do well in emergencies and stressful situations.

Worse of all, he can't cook. Which means, I don't get to eat any nutritious food. I'm unable to cook if I can't. And we are unable to go out to eat if I can't.

At the moment, bro has cough. And he has to go for RT training on Wed evening. I hope all will be fine while he is away. He will be having 8 sessions of those. By the time he gets home, it'll be after 9 p.m.. All because they changed the normal IPPT window to 9 months without properly informing him (no letter, no brochure).

I told my bro today that I need a fortuneteller, not a doctor.