The situation with my bro

Been pursuing a thief at an establishment. Mentioned to bro that tomorrow I have to return to "look for" my money.

Later, in bed was watching youtube Lee Min Ho on my phone. I was happy and then the most super fragrance of soy sauce chicken wafted through my window. Smelled fabulous and I shouted from my bed: "AHhhh!! Si Yao chicken!! MMMM!!!".  ("si yao" is Cantonese for black soy sauce)

He said from his room: "If you like it so much, look for it. ". I felt something was wrong about the comment, that he had used the words "look for it".

I thought he was joking and went to his room.  He was plugged into earphones and looking at his watch that he was holding in his hand. He wasn't smiling.

"You mean look for the Si Yao smell ah?!" I said loudly in a fun mood.

"You like it so much, look for it.". he said again. I looked at his face for longer while he looked at his watch and he wasn't smiling.

Then he said, "Tsk. You are so noisy I can't do this.".

I just immediately went back to my bed and continued watching Lee Min Ho on my phone.

I am not upset by his last sentence. But that he had used my earlier comment about looking for my money to get back at me.  He hasn't been supportive of my going back to the place to recover my stolen cash. I don't know why.

Previously, when I asked him to help me with it, he had refused. So although the money was his, I am in fact attempting to get it back on my own, which is rather lonesome. If it had been the other way around, I would have helped him, went together with him, backed him up in any way within my means.

The fact that he doesn't see that he is not helping--I have not focused on it because it is something that cannot be changed. I am pretty independent in that way. In that I can do things without anyone backing me up.

Later, he tried to make it up by trying to be cute with his stuffed donkey, coming around my door with it while I was watching my phone.

I didn't want to bring it up, but nevertheless couldn't smile and forgive. Finally, I moved to my desk and while checking e-mails at my laptop, I asked, "What did you mean by "look for it"?".  I knew exactly what he had meant but wanted to raise this issue since I couldn't get past it.

He was quiet.

I repeated what he said, ""If you like it so much, look for it". "If you like it so much, look for it"."

I said it twice, exactly the number of times he had said it. 

He was quiet until he defended himself by saying, "That one is lack of caffeine.".

I said quietly, "You are just being GL.". (GL means "guai lan".  A Hokkien vulgarity to mean bad ass attitude with malicious intent in upsetting people).

My bro, sad to say, is like that. I have come to learn this only some years ago. He didn't use to grow up this way so it is an aspect of him that I have come to notice.

Strangely, he doesn't see it. He thinks I am kicking up a fuss. Said I wasn't being understanding and that there were incidences where he had let pass things I said to him too.

I did not argue that he can take his GL out on other people, but not on me, regardless of how bad he feels. When I was really sick, I never once took my temper out on him.  I even thanked him for thanking care of me.

And I am tired of convincing myself to understand people and thereby convincing myself to forgive them so that we can move on.

Why must I convince myself to understand them? He has a headache from his brain fog, he is feeling bad, so I must understand that and swallow his venting on me?  Why must I do that?

So, I am to be the trashbin that he dumps his "lack of caffeine" on, just because... ?  Just because of what?

Definitely, he takes advantage of me, in that sense.  Because I am familiar.

It is also not the first time he puts his attitude first rather than consider my feelings. He has become egocentric in recent years.  When he defends himself, he only sees it from his point of view, but not mine. Whereas, I consider both viewpoints and in accepting the other person's viewpoint, convince myself that I should be the one to understand. That is in fact wrong because it allows the other person to step all over me.  It is because of this that a past relationship I had with someone dragged out during which I was completely taken for a ride.

That person is similar to my brother. They seem not to be aware of what they do, but they are egocentric and it is always they who are right while it is others who do not understand them.

After his muttering defense that I was not being understanding as he moved about in the kitchen etc.., he left to go out (Chinatown, presumably).

Frankly, sometimes, it isn't so bad to live and spend a life alone.

At any time when I am angry, even at my angriest, I have never been GL to my brother.  I say what needs to be said but never in a sarcastic or malicious way.  I don't hit back in that way.

What I do not appreciate is the maliciousness of the words he used. To his own sister. It wasn't just some random "go away" that I wouldn't have taken offense.

The fact that he didn't support me every time I went to try getting back the money, that's fine. But don't hit back by insulting my attempts at getting back the money.

Makes me regret ordering a X'mas surprise present along with our Amazon orders for him (it's on the way).  I don't feel like giving it to him.  Had the thought of stashing it in my drawer and giving it only when in the mood.

He's like mom, not appreciative. When I was ordering it based on the review, I took the chance that he would not appreciate it because it's a book, even though it is about his favourite characters. He don't read books.  Yet for the fact that it is about his favourite stuff at the moment, made me order it without asking first if he would like to have it (it wouldn't be a surprise then).

Update Fri 20 Dec: The instant DHL arrived on Sunday, December 15 (I called DHL on Sat), we loved & adored the stuff we got from Amazon. Bro loved the surprise book I got him so much that he is protecting it in a plastic wrapper. I love my 2 books. And we certainly love BMO. 

Selected AmazonGlobal Priority Shipping because Amazon auto-informed upon checking out that it would go past X'mas if I chose the cheaper option.  Supposed to arrive in 2~4 days with Priority. It felt longer than that and was a day longer than the 2~4 days (although it is within the Amazon delivery estimation date).

The 2~4 days estimation would be correct if DHL had delivered on the day it arrived at their delivery center but it was Saturday. If I hadn't called to have it delivered on Sunday, it would have taken another day longer.

Order was done on 10 Dec. Shipped on 11 Dec. Arrived 15 Dec. Counting 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 (5 days). Pretty fast still. ^_^ Am happy (though movement of the package in the US side was and is always slow).