Another Upset with Bro

Happened around 4pm or so. These days, his fuse is very short.  I just "blamed" him for a small thing & he blew up. It was about the light for the aquarium.

Hot miserable day. Sweaty.

All of a sudden, in his boredom or whatever, he wanted to clear the space on the rack against the wall. To put his light that he says he'll be wiring up. It was messy to clear & I asked if it was necessary to do it now. He said he'll be wiring it first.

He wanted to just leave all the junk on top, said it will prop up the light fixture. I said won't it be hot & the things will be flammable. There was even a piece of newspaper there. And an old umbrella.

As I removed stuff, he saw the shelf actually has no base. It's just 2 empty square holes (that had been blocked by junk). He gave up then.

However, at the same time, I was also waiting for the damn garbage men to stink up downstairs. I was waiting so I could close all the windows when they came.

While I was messy with the stuff at the balcony, they came & stank up the entire kitchen. Goddamn. I shut the windows too late.

Bro entered the kitchen & joked that it was too late.

I was upset. And just blurted that he shouldn't ask me to do this, do that. Coz I was watching for the garbage men. I can't do 2 things at the same time. (I was venting my frustration on him because I was upset with myself for being held up on the only day that I'm free to do my writing. My novel hasn't been going well.  I've been busy swimming for the past 2 days & tomorrow again.).

He went into the master bedroom &  emerged back into the kitchen with a lousy-looking face & tone. Said that the garbage stench is not a life & death matter. Said he spent his time doing the aquarium light when he had "better" things to do.  Implying I wasn't appreciative.

His face was sarcastic, mean look.

Sometimes, he can be such a different person from the boy I once knew. This is a person that I no longer know.

I got mad when he said it's not a life & death situation. Got mad with his tone of voice. I ignored him & went to my room.

He then just continued ranting to himself. Even saying I was "weird" in a strange, exaggerated way that he was mimicking from the neighbour some years ago. Kept saying "weird" "weird" loudly in the bathroom.

When I came out to the kitchen, he had worn his jeans & T to get out.  To diffuse the situation, I said he can buy the roasted chicken from Cold Storage if he happens to be going there. He had earlier said that he wanted it (before the upset).

He got angrier. Said I wasn't listening.  Said with all the upset,  "still can calmly say buy a chicken from Cold Storage".  Said it was like I was wearing ear muffs. "Why don't you wear ear muffs?!".  His entire body jerked with anger.

This is the first time he is so rude in his words to me.  He has gotten worse.  I have never seen him so sarcastically rude.

His rudeness & attitude, insulting me like I'm a subject, reminds me of when I worked at MAS building where the women there were verbally abusive. They speak as if you are made of air. They insult you over your head like you are not a person there.


This blow up from him also happened before. Also over a small thing I said. To me, it's a small thing. But to him, he just blew it up.

In the past, he wasn't like this. It only got worse recently.

That's why I advise people to live apart. Get ur own space, ur own place.  Regardless of how close u are, live apart.

Advise people not to smoke. DNA damage goes through at least 3 generations. My grandfather smoked a lot. My great grandmother smoked.


My bro & I are very close. Yet friction & deterioriation are still unavoidable.

For the rest of the day, he went out & never came back until 8.30pm. After that, he took a bath & for some reason, still angry, went out again for another 2 hours. I was coming out of the bath & he was going in, I didn't see his face. Maybe it was reconcilatory & I didn't see it & he got upset again. I don't know.

To me, I feel nothing because I am disapppointed too often by him. Grieved too often. It is just a disappointment that I have come to live with.  I won't say he is a disappointment.  Just that "it" is a disappointment. If I had money, I will live apart.


I just hope he won't snap.

What I fear for, is my life.  When a person snaps, it's uncertain & unpredictable what he may do.  His state of mind hasn't been good. And I've observed some behavior that I've never mentioned to him.

I simply grew too relaxed in my own house, in his presence.  When relaxed, I say whatever I think & feel. Next time, I must be careful. With strangers, I shut my mouth no matter how upset I sometimes get. With him, I better shut my mouth as well.  Sad, but that's the way it has to be, unless I get my own house.

Next time, whatever I feel upset about, just shut up.  Don't say anything. I don't know if that will make me go mad.

I read about the tragedies in the papers & I'm concerned.  A person can build up hatred for another person in the same house, then over time... suddenly go completely crazy.  At most, the person goes to jail. But you lose your life.

To be honest, I have been feeling cautious since his last upset. I started getting worried.  These days, I've been too relaxed. Let down my guard. I think tonight, I better shut my door extra tight.

Ironic. The bro whom I asked for & waited so long for his birth...  Now I've to keep up my guard, watch what I say & even have to watch my back & door. 

When he came back just now, I made myself say,  "I thought you went to Bukit Merah?" without looking away from my laptop.

On the way out from his room, he at first didn't reply, then mumbled sarcastically, "I thought you didn't care?"  while walking off.

I feel nothing.  It was meant to diffuse the situation, so that he don't go nuts.  That's all it is.  Yes, it's true I don't care.

In fact, when I came home after buying groceries & saw he wasn't home with the rooms dark, I liked it. For a long time, I've always wanted my own house. At first, it was her, now it's him.

And I am perpetually broke. I can't afford rent. My whole life, nothing but compromises, sacrifices. I have ceased to cry or feel anything.  I have loved & gotten nothing back.

How close can a bond be when a small thing gets blown up?  His ego is bigger than what I said. Also, I don't think I can forgive him calling me "Weird" "weird" in that odd, mimicking voice of the neighbour. And the sarcasm in telling me to wear ear muffs.

It goes beyond just upset. Ranting like that. Not normal.

I still value my life so that I can continue writing. I must remember to shut up. Keep my guard up.

So many things he keeps within his comfort zone & never helps me even when I ask him to. But I always let him be. His inconsiderate self, he never blames.

To me, it's all small things. But I forgive too easily when it comes to the people I love. Even forgiving of the man who killed the woman I love.  What else do you expect me to do?

Just now, I spoke to him. He was jabbing the air, talking & ranting to himself.  Hearing his voice from my room, I went over & asked him what was the problem. He was sitting in his computer chair facing the door, his right leg was propped on part of the seat.

He said I was pretending not to know. I said in the past, he wasn't like this. He jabbed his finger in the air, rudely said, "Let me tell you why. It's called F O G.".

He was referring to the brain fog he's been having for 3 years. He has never jabbed at the air like that at me.  His face, totally changed. Looked like gangster. Uncouth.

I pointed to him & said he was never like this. He continued to say I had ignored him earlier in the day on purpose. I said I merely blurted out what I felt. He said it wasn't what I said, but it was that I went to my room & put on ear muffs.

I said I didn't have ear muffs. He said don't pretend.

This is a man, a loved one, I no longer know.

He said everytime he's upset, I just walk away & ignore. I said I don't know what to say to him because he's ranting. He builds the thing up in his head & I can't get in.

He didn't seem to understand what I meant by 'ranting' & dismissed it by blaming me again.

I tried not to antagonize him further. I said next time I will shut up if I want to say something. So he need not worry. It seemed to appease him somewhat. It's all about him. Self-focussed.

He said, "You know how I'm like. You should have taken my attention away by saying 'How about put a piece of wood across the rack etc...'.".

Frankly, that plank thing was over & I was upset when he sacarstically said it's not a life & death matter. So, to say that I should take his attention back to the rack... means his mind is not on track with the timing of what happened. 

Actually, I don't know him any more. The person I knew was never like this.  Come to think, they say personality changes are a bad sign... But this change is due to his brain fog.

I don't know why I cannot have a happy, loving, normal brother.  Or a happy, loving friend. I am a very giving person, always giving out more than receiving. Even in sex, I always give pleasure rather than accept.

Some things are just not meant to be.  Some things in life, you just have to accept.

After just reading an article on brain tumor, maybe it is not me who should be fearing for my life.  I think I shouldn't be avoiding. Or walking away. Or ignoring him.