Siblings are Outsiders

 

2pm Aug 31 Tues 2021

Now we have money from the sale of the house. We manage to stay in a hotel-like room with some amenities. Yet happiness eludes us. Due to Covid, we remain stuck in Singapore wasting our precious money for every day we are here.

Bro just walked out in a foul mood and he went ballistic over just 1 comment I made while at the escalator at 100AM after Donki. I just said, "Why do you keep looking at your phone?". These few days, he has been taking out his phone and abruptly becoming engrossed with it despite lack of Wi-Fi connection. And it's irritating to see while we are shopping every time I turn around. 

I can understand why it's socially unacceptable when going out and a person keeps looking at his/her phone instead of interacting. 

With that comment, he shot back that "That's what it's made for.".  Meaning, the phone is made to be looked at. After that, he just went on and on about "So I don't have to look at the world... this also cannot, that also cannot. What you want me to do?".  He said my tone in my question was rude.

I don't like having to defend myself to anyone, having to justify and explain. I am used to the freedom of independent thought because our parents never cared except pinning our physical bodies down with regulations. I never had to ask anyone their opinions in order to do my things according to my decisions. The only thing my parents couldn't touch was my thoughts.  

He said the room has problems, he can't clear the symptoms. I said if he don't like the room, move out and sleep at the X and when the 10 days are up, I will look for him. Or he also has money (from the sale of the house), he can rent a room for himself. 

He said it's not about that & went on to say all kinds of things until it became the compromises he had to make too .. for example, when I want share something with him on my phone and ask him to see and he has to interrupt his own watching of his video or music on his phone (which goes to sleep when he isn't paying attention and he has to turn it on again and get his video/music back on...) to look at mine. 

I didn't know it was a disturbance to him. I didn't know about his phone. I just in my exuberance to share with him, didn't think I had to be considerate like towards an outsider. No wonder every time, he would peel his eyes away from his phone to look at mine, and he was taking longer these days to turn to me. I didn't realize the meaning of it and was somewhat annoyed that I was made to wait longer these days, which ruined the significance of what I wanted him to see.

As he talked out his thoughts, I realized he felt he was making compromises which he was defending because as he said, "you are my sister.". Compromises, sacrifices. 

He said despite this, it's not enough. "So what are you going to do, what can you say now that I feel like jumping off a roof?". 

I said nothing. I just thought that the more and louder he grumbled while I was showering, the more I wondered if he had really gone insane. 

I finished showering, sat on the bed with my phone. He said, "So what do I do? The room is quiet and you are not saying anything?". 

I was thinking, he is worse than Evi (my ex-girlfriend from Indonesia). At least she was quiet and I never got to hear her thoughts even though I asked. In the end after 5 or 7 years, I broke up with her.

I start to understand why siblings go from each other to live apart. It's not that they don't love each other. Not that they are not close. But that, siblings have different thoughts and personalities, and different needs and wants. So it is not possible for siblings to be inseparable. I don't know of any brother and sister who live together like husband and wife.

I asked Bro what else that I do that he feels is a compromise on his part. He said it's not about compromise, why I wanna know etc... etc... I said, "So that I don't do it again.". 

I was thinking even better the more things he tells me that bothers him. Cause it will save me from doing all those things. Less effort on my part. Giving less. Because it always bothered me to give him less. With his admission, it's as if I have been freed from the obligation of my love to give him more.

In all things, I put him first. Even money. I rather deplete my account for both our use than deplete his (although I am hoping that we can share his when mine is down).

Now that he has spoken his thoughts and letting the room door swing back on me without holding it while I came in with the tray of ice and hot water... and recalling the psychic's words about not giving away 100% of my love... I understand how risky my trust and giving have been to myself. 

I realize he has gotten worse. I  don't know if he is insane or not. I don't know if it's safe to sleep in the same room with him or not. 

It would be best to hold onto my money carefully. As I already learnt, it's best to have a close friend on hand. Friends and money.  To get through life. Not family. Not siblings. 

Be very careful about trusting family. It cannot be emphasized enough. Always make sure you have money, the more the better. And get as many guy friends with money as possible.

This morning if not for the rain at 11.30am, I would have gone swimming. Had I went, this argument wouldn't have happened. But because it seems he has been bottling up his thoughts and irritations, it is only a matter of time. If not today, then tomorrow. 

I made one big mistake in trusting my parents and they betrayed us. If I continue to be blind to Bro's words, then it will be a repeat mistake and this time, it will hurt more.

Siblings are outsiders because we don't know what the other person is thinking. What they are hearing. What their hearts are feeling. Money has no such need for such considerations. It's also why people prefer animal pets to humans.

The psychic is wrong at one part: I don't have a "couple" of reliable people. I don't even have 1. 

The best is to be an orphan and live alone in adulthood with a lot of money and generous male friends who have a lot of money. Parents are useless and siblings are outsiders because you trust them completely but you never know them completely.  There lies the danger of unexpected betrayal. My advice to anyone: Find your way in the world yourself quickly without being tied down to family or friends. They serve their own interests not yours. Your youth is your asset. Trust no one except yourself.