Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Google Organ

Wed 23 May 2012

WHoaaa... this is fun!! Woke this morning to find this.
Depending on your connection, you can hear the whole song well.
Otherwise, some notes will sound missing.
No idea how long the link below will last online.


It's a recording of the song I played on the Google organ.
First prize to whoever can guess the name of the song and singer of what I just played!!

Actually, no idea what this Google organ called since I didn't check up on Robery Moog's 78th birthday, but it looks like a precursor of the organ with knobs and everything.

All the knobs of the Google organ can be turned and the switches can be flipped! Cool stuff!!
Google is so rich to be able to do this on a global internet scale.

To record, press the red round button on the recording machine. It has only a few seconds of recording time, so keep your tune short.

Wait a second, then start playing your tune. When done, press the stop button on the recording machine. If your tune is too long, recording will automatically cut off.

To play back, just press the play button on the recording machine.

Place your mouse on the paperclip icon, Ctrl C the link and there you have it! Paste the link you have in your browser, enter it and it'll show back the Google page with the organ starting to play the tune you just recorded!

This really depends on the internet connection. If the notes sound bad because of the connection, try refreshing the page.

To record again, refresh the page, though this will erase all the settings of the organ you set earlier.

Sunday, 13 May 2012

Friend Wanted

Sun 13 May 2012

At this point, it's been weepy for me. If only I had someone like Jeon Jin Ho (in Personal Taste Korean drama) in my life. A man who is dependable, loving, intelligent, caring... Someone who can be with me in this time when I really feel so alone, and so ... afraid and so sad.

But in my life now, I have no friends. Only acquaintances who have come and left.

It may seem impossible, but I cultivated or invested in no friends throughout my years of existence. I smile at the absurdity while typing this.

Thinking of my past love... I had to think back while typing a post regarding my novel in a forum I just created... adds to the sadness.

And all my life, I have done nothing except be a good citizen and exercise a lot and eat fruits and vegetables. What can go wrong?

When I was 25~26, I made it a point to look at myself carefully and closely in the mirror in my room one day. Remember this skin, the brightness of these eyes, the lips, the face... For all these will deteriorate with age.

Unfortunately, I cannot stop the years from going. Neither can I prevent myself from aging and having health problems later in life. Even while looking at myself in the mirror, I know health problems will be inevitable later.

How does it feel to look at your own perfection in the mirror and know at the same time that all these will not stay? Sadness. Tragedy. Inevitability. Powerless to prevent.

Just as Lee Min-ho (the man who plays Jeon Jin Ho) says, he does not like that he is getting older (and he is just 25) when the cast and crew celebrated his 25th birthday on the City Hunter set.

I am sure that, he, like me, knows the meaning of the passage of time and what it will do. Five years ago, he was involved in a serious accident that left him still injured but still able to work/act. A man who has seen the fragility of his life.

Those who have seen it and/or have seen death, will have a maturity different from everybody else's. At 25, his interviews show him to be a mature guy with a quiet intelligence. His eyes speak of a maturity different from other people his age.

Unfortunately, tears do not change the situation. Crying only makes me feel more alone.

I am still stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea *faint smile*.

I do not know whether/if my condition will worsen. I don't know if this anemia will damage my heart, cause heart attack or cause brain damage/stroke subsequently.

The doctors are unkind, uncaring and useless. They should not have spent years in medical education just to have their hands tied saying "I don't know" or just sending the patient home without any comforting advice just because the patient does not want to undergo the only solution they have (blood transfusion).

Blood transfusion is the only solution they have = pathetic.

Yet they don't see it so. The entire 21st century medical science and medical community are pathetic. They don't see it as so?

Instead of healing, they kill. Instead of helping, they harm. Instead of holistic, natural remedies, they recommend methods and procedures with risks.

Their medications are potent, dangerous. They treat patients as playthings for their drugs.

After all their years of study, "doctors"  are impatient, not updated, old-fashioned in their treatments, impersonal, mercenary.

After 4 months, iron supplements have brought my blood count to only 8.6 (normal 11~12). I am having unpredictable, unstable symptoms of the heart that I never had before (even when the blood count was 5.5 and I rejected blood transfusion).

I don't know if my heart can hold up until the blood count rises further. I am afraid it might not.

I don't know why this is happening.  It's ironic since I don't smoke, don't drink and don't generally eat meat. A healthy lifestyle with plenty of exercise and optimism for all these years, come to this.

I don't understand.

The fibroid is kept in check and blood count while low, is still higher than 5.5. Even at 5.5, I didn't have this heart problem.

Bro thinks could be it's taken too long to raise it to 8.6 and the heart has been injured/badly strained.

I think it's because of the low blood count and my vigorous exercise even with the low blood count. It strained the heart too much and now it's showing signs.

If I hadn't exercised during this time, and let the blood count rise first, the symptoms now might not have happened. 

This morning, I felt a little breathless. I tried a Feroglobin capsule for the first time and it got worse quickly. The left side of my head down to my jaw tingled with my hands and feet. I felt my heart strain just sitting at the laptop at my desk, till I had to lie down.

Rising to get to the bed, I felt a little dizzy, a lot of tingling and slight nausea. My hands were perspiring.

Lying down, I felt the tingling subside and my heart calming down.  

Am I going to spend the rest of the days lying down??

Went to the clinic downstairs (Healthplus) and the doc was very unhelpful with a disturbing "lording over" attitude. He should not be a doctor.

He insisted I go for blood transfusion as the only way to fix the problems, and wrote a referral to go to A&E. No time sparred for considering my feelings or anything, even becoming upset that I was dawdling with his advice. Cut everything short by telling it to my face in a very "lord it over" way with his lousy-looking face, that there was nothing he could do, no medication he could appropriately give.

When he did that, he immediately made me feel much worse. My heart beat harder, I could feel my tingling sensations coming back. Anxiety.

How can such a person be a doctor? Making the patient feel worse.

Bro is worried the symptoms might get worse the long we delay blood transfusion. He understands my concerns and fears, but he feels blood transfusion might be the way before it gets worse.

I, as the person enduring this, feels fear. I live in fear every day. Not knowing when the symptoms will come back, when it will be worse, when and if one day... I might just...

A while ago, I created a forum. I've been anxious about whether to do it because I'm afraid of people stealing/taking my work.  Copyright concerns.

But with my health like this, I've anxiety about my work not being seen.

I'd like my life's work to be known. In my own name. Copyrighted.

While the forum I created will likely not have visitors since it will most likely not turn up in search engines... it is still online. Anyone with fate, may drop by. It is no longer just in my laptop, e-mail or handwritten/typed papers in my file folder where nobody knows.

If life ends here, at least... I have done this much.

I've chosen to place my work in a forum is because it is better than just in a blogspot (although I'm also considering placing it in a blogspot).

I've a forum that's been around since 2004. With this history, it's quite certain the forum I just created will be safe. This is considering if/when I am not around.

Blogspot is run by Google which is unpredictable and mercenary. They might shut down anything anytime, even though blogs/sites can remain in cyberspace "forever".

A forum format enables me to partition my work according to how I like. Also, other people can contribute as well, should they wish to.

Putting my work online, I hope they will remain "forever". Known instead of unknown. I do not want to have lived in vain, showing nothing of what I was/am, what I wrote, what I believed in.

Star Trek The Next Generation:  Time's Arrow Season 6 Ep 1 Part 2

Picard: I wish... I wish time would have allowed me to know you better.
Twain: Well, you'll just have to read my books. What I am is pretty much there.

Bro has been asking to go to Swensen's for the past 3 days, and I haven't been able to go with him. Our dinners have been white rice, canned Campbell soup and green boiled vegetables.

I wish I had someone like Jeon Jin Ho with me. Depending on my bro is not enough. He has his moods/attitudes. It can be difficult. It is also straining and stressful on him because of his inability to handle it, apart from his own problems. He does not do well in emergencies and stressful situations.

Worse of all, he can't cook. Which means, I don't get to eat any nutritious food. I'm unable to cook if I can't. And we are unable to go out to eat if I can't.

At the moment, bro has cough. And he has to go for RT training on Wed evening. I hope all will be fine while he is away. He will be having 8 sessions of those. By the time he gets home, it'll be after 9 p.m.. All because they changed the normal IPPT window to 9 months without properly informing him (no letter, no brochure).

I told my bro today that I need a fortuneteller, not a doctor.

Monday, 7 May 2012

May 8 2012 Happy Birthday to me

Was surprised this morning when checking e-mail. The past love sent me an e-card. Was unexpected since...

Well, we've been e-mailing sometimes, on and off recently. More often than not, I don't reply because her e-mails never seem to be talking to me, but rather to herself.

In the past, every year, we would send e-cards to each other for birthdays etc...

I think I started the first one with virtual gifts via e-card etc...

Was a nice surprise this morning because I hadn't been thinking she would remember. Since I gave up, I began to see everything clearly and had not been thinking well of her. I have no idea what she thinks of me, neither do I really care.

Her world comprises of escapism in computer games, yaoi men having crude sex... I don't know what else. Mine these days, comprise of health, heart problems, anemia, fibroid... when all I want to do is jog, swim, skip like I used to.

Right now, my heart is beating strangely, I feel strangely, my head feels a little giddy. I don't know if it's the anemia.

All this aside, I really like the card she sent. She must have timed it for today morning (or at least 8 May). Perfect timing. Couldn't be better.

I'm surprised by her choice because after all the crudeness she's been showing me for the Sims game she's into now, this card is surprisingly beautiful in its simplicity, beauty and music.

I'm actually always surprised by her choices when it comes to sending e-cards to me. *faint smile in the memory* She always manages to choose the cards that matches me completely, revealing a surprising understanding of what I like or would appreciate. Sensibilities which frankly, I didn't think she has.


Despite it all, this birthday card this morning, I like a lot. The music is unique, with a turn reminding of a Japanese instrumental music (Romantic Kyoto) I listened to in the past. An instrumental I loved but can't find again. Cassette tape, on keyboard I think, not sure since it's been song ago. Mom used to play it over and over when I was young.

Over time, the cassette got old, became ruined I think, and was thrown away. It certainly isn't in the tape racks in my room or anywhere else. Doubt it's in the drawers that have been cleared out some time ago.

Despite it all, the past love... somehow still manages to understand me the best, considering the e-cards she sends. That's the only time she shows that understanding, ergo the only time I'm surprised by it.

I would love to keep this card forever with its music, but the website only holds it for 30 days. I can't find a download for the music at the site. Seems they don't have it.

[Update 9 May 12.14 a.m.:  The thought came... that I could ask her to send me another exactly the same when this one expires after 30 days, though... it'd be odd and not the same... and went away.]

It's playing now. I usually let her e-cards play for half a day while at the computer because I like them so much. I don't tire of the music I like for this span of time.

I would prefer to post up the URL for the e-card but it shows her name and mine, her e-mail address and mine.

While I'd like to post up for posterity and my love for it, I can't. So, I post *sighs* only the link where this card can be found and where anyone who has someone to love, can choose it to give. May your loved one/s be happy.


At the top of my card, it says: Samantha
On the left, below the card, it says:  Happy Birthday :@)
And further below on the right bottom, it says her first and last name (I suppose we are on formal terms now. After we broke up, I never could bring myself to address her by her pet/nickname that we had for her. I told her my name was Samantha, so it seemed clear I didn't want to be addressed by my pet name either. So, she has used her formal name as well. ).

As I said in my e-mail thanks to her, I love the card.
I like the mountains, meadow, flowers, butterflies, trees and unique music.
It reminds me of (a place in) Japan. (Now I think, most probably Hanami Hill in Fukushima, but actually it gives the feeling of Japan, no specific place. It's very Japanese.).

I could stay here (in this card) forever. :)  (I didn't tell her that, but said I could watch it for a long time).

Saying this, I feel as if I'm saying something that should be private. But these days, I feel I should say what I think.  I don't know how short my time is. Sometimes, it feels short if you know what I mean.

[ Update 9 May 12.04 a.m:  More to the truth, I'm able to say something that I'd usually keep private, because I don't love her anymore. If we were still in love and I loved her very much now, such things as this e-card and what was written in it would be kept only between us. It's enough for me to love and know.  Something as close and private as this between us, will never be revealed. ]

Health is unstable. So I say whatever I feel strongly enough to say.

Political views I avoid expressing because it benefits no one and has only disadvantage to myself and my bro. Expressing the views doesn't change the situation. 

I cannot stay the music for you in this static image, but you can click on the link above to get to the actual e-card.

For my birthday, I have no great wish.
Just good health will do.
*smiles* I don't know if 3 wishes can be made.
1) Good health
2) Finish writing my 2 books by the end of this year
3) Give me Lee Min Ho [as Jeon Jin Ho in Personal Taste (as a friend, lover, boyfriend) ]!!!!!

[Update 9 May 12.06 a.m.: I didn't say "husband" because it's so old-fashioned. But tonight while waiting for the bus @ Meidi-ya, considering if I would marry him for life, as a life partner... I think I wouldn't mind, if he would have me. :) ]

I want what they have:  This love.
I want to be this woman that Jeon Jin Ho loves. Lucky, lucky woman.

Yes, that's the man from City Hunter that I've fallen for. I have acquired a pillow of him in kissing position, that I've kissed his lips a few times already before bed. ^__^

I have a wall scroll of him, magazines (a paper poster from one of them), an absorbent long towel, and 2 black face masks that I had intended to wear with my gothic/punk outfits.

I found the more suitable mask that the seller claims is the same design as what Lee Min Ho wore for City Hunter, is quite difficult and warm to breathe through.

All merchandise I acquired from Taiwan. 

Right now, Lee Min Ho should be filming his new and latest drama "Faith" that's supposed to be out this August. Big rush, I think. They only confirmed him this March. From then till August release, is very short time.

They must be filming very fast without rest. (Will a rush job be good? Already City Hunter has too many flaws).

No idea why they always match such a young, handsome Lee Min Ho with women who aren't pretty and older-looking. In Faith teaser/trailer, the woman looks so much older than the young, soft-looking, pretty army (?) captain he plays.

I still re-watch Personal Taste at night even though I've seen it once (parts that have him in). I can't get enough of Lee Min Ho's handsome face and cupid bow-shaped lips and eyes and hair!!!!

One of the episodes from this uploader has no subs at all, so then just drop by another site for just that episode. Can't recall which episode.  The subbers for this drama are very good with good English that brings out the humor and flavor well (The Heavens Subbing Squad)

Episode 1:

There are still a few more things to talk about, but I will give it a rest for now.

I will be dropping by the clinic downstairs in a few minutes. The first time, it was this doc who discovered my anemia and suggested I had fibroids.

I'm going back to him now to check my blood count to see if it's really up as the A&E recently checked (or whether A&E made a mistake). Also, to see what he has to say about my heart. Bro advised against telling him about the recent A&E, swimming sprain or whatever etc...

So, we'll just present the problem to him and see what he makes of it.

Update @ 5 p.m.

Got back from the clinic. ECG normal. Blood pressure normal. As expected.

At Tan Tock Seng A&E recently (2 weeks ago on 24 April), everything checked out normal but I was still feeling the strangely fast heartbeat.

They take the measurements when I am lying down, so it checks out normal (I just realized). But it beats strange when I'm sitting or standing or walking. It's not normal. I know my own body.

It feels unstable, and I know I can't walk for long or jog up in the hill/park. I definitely don't feel like I can jog. I feel if I go and jog, my heart is really going to go nuts this time.

Just walking to the mall and coming back makes me tired and the next day, my heartbeat feels irregular. That's why I went to check with the clinic just now. But again, checking says it's normal.

When the doc put the stethoscope on my heart and listened for a while as I stood, he looked up brightly and said "Perfect".

So I really don't know what's wrong. At this rate, I can't do any physical exercise. For how long?

Even now, sitting typing this, I feel the heart is not beating normally. "Normal" as in previously, as it used to. I never used to feel it beating like this, or feeling that it's there.

Checking online, it seems to affect a lot of youngish people who report more troubling symptoms than mine. People who seem healthy, don't smoke, no alcohol. Yet they describe rather severe symptoms of heart beating very hard and fast for no reason at all. And oddly their docs say the checks for blood pressure and ECG (EKG) are normal.

I think their machines are not sensitive enough to detect problems within the heart. I don't think it's so much of coincidentally checking when the heart is well-behaved at the time (a case of hide and seek).

Last night, I woke just to go to the toilet, came back to bed and could feel the heart beating so fast it was hammering my right pulse. Took a while before it calmed down to slow, steady beats.

The clinic doc considers that anemia might cause this. But he isn't sure. Blood count is still low at 8.6. 2 weeks ago, A&E measured 8.4.

The clinic took just from a pinprick of blood, whereas A&E took 3/4 vial. I have no idea why the hospitals always take so much just to get a blood count reading.

Even if taking a vial is more accurate than from a pinprick, the readings are still pretty close to consider the 2 methods accurate to each other.

Right now, I feel a little nauseous. Could be the lousy new glasses I'm wearing that don't match well to my eyesight.

Previously after returning from A&E, I felt swimmy without glasses or with my usual light blue glasses. Never happened before.  I blamed it on the heart troubling my brain.

Ahh... *sighs* Even on my birthday, I have to worry about this.

At the clinic just before the counter receptionist/doctor's assistant recorded my ECG, she suddenly asked in Chinese "Today is your birthday?".

Surprised, I smiled, said "yeah".

She wished me "Happy Birthday" in English, and said she wondered what date today was. (What a nice lady).

[ Update 9 May 12.04 a.m.: Strange however, that she would only speak to me in Chinese even though I didn't think she's from China. The doc speaks to her in English since he's Indian and she understands fine.]

Lying with my bra open, I released a slight chuckle along with hers. (It belatedly occurred to me that I should have thanked her. But I thanked her nonetheless on my way out.).

I guess the ECG screen must be displaying my record. True enough, the printout showed my birth date at the left side top.

I said, "Yeah, yet I have to go the clinic.".

She didn't comment but told me she was going to activate the printout.

At A&E, the nurses don't necessarily lift up my bra if they prefer not to or I prefer them not to. They can still sticky the electrodes on the skin under the bra.

At the clinic, she preferred to stick on the breast (near the heart), so it was necessary to open the bra.

[ Update 9 May 12.10 a.m.: I've played the birthday e-card for the song the entire day, till now, on and off when I'm on the laptop. So, it is more than just half a day as mentioned above. Well, it'll only be for 30 days, this card. So love as much of it as possible.

P/S: The clinic doc prescribed a "new" iron supplement that I haven't seen in the pharmacies before. Saferon Chewable tablets. But there's nothing on it on the internet. Likely because it's made in India. Guess it's unheard of and unknown in the US where most people post their reviews and comments from.]