Back at A&E Again. Alexandra (twice so far) & KK Singapore

First posted in Fridae. (8 p.m. for this posting)

Back at A&E (again). Alexandra & KK

2012-01-08 19:17

I'm feeling cold, unwell. Cold, sweating hands and feet.

Back from KK A&E (accidents & emergencies) where doc tested blood count to be only 5.8. Way below average (11~16) and under half.

Doc was keen for me to do blood transfusion and 1 night's admission for observation. He wanted to bring it up to 8 (= 1 bag of blood increases count by 1 unit).

I wasn't keen. Don't want another person's blood to be circulating in me. And afraid of incompatibility reaction that I read (in the past) can be life-threatening.

I mentioned antigens to him, and whether the matching will be 100% perfect.

Despite doc's assurance that it will be very carefully matched, and discussion with bro (who encouraged the transfusion), I walked out.

I said I was feeling fine (while sitting in the chair in front of the doc. He smiled, said yes, for now. But with so low blood count... it is very dangerous and risky. Can't tell when will suddenly faint. Heart is taxed.

If continue without transfusion, possibility of heart failure later.

Just 2 days ago, on Friday, I went swimming. 30 laps with hand paddles to increase workout. Had backache from another condition then, but didn't know blood count was so low.

Yet was able to pull 30 laps with effort. Had I known blood count was so low, I'd not have swam.

First month last year, a doc had checked blood count to be 7 point-something, and he had let me go without blood transfusion. I continued thinking my blood count remained at that number.

But blood count has since dropped without my knowledge.

Miracle I still could swim without even knowing. My goodness.

Before swimming, I had considered possibility of fainting suddenly while swimming. Body can give out anytime. If that happens, I would drown.

This doc said the same thing when I told him I go swimming.

At the moment, feeling poor.

Tomorrow, going back to KK to do scan.

At the moment, feeling poorly. I've decided to do the blood transfusion tomorrow.

Hope everything will be fine. I do not need 1 problem built on another.

I do not want to do blood transfusion. But looks like have to.

The human body is separate from the mind. I cannot control what the body will do next. I told the KK doc "I will take the risk" before walking out.

But can I? Is the risk something I can afford to take?

Didn't like the doc taking 2~3 bars of syringe of my blood. Before this, asked if it would hurt. He said, just a little. And nurse assured me as well, and told me not to look.

When he said need to draw blood for testing, I asked how much. He showed me about 2 bars of a syringe. I hate syringes.

I think he took more than he told me. :(

Meanwhile, I've customers' orders to handle. I won't be back tomorrow night if I agree to transfusion.

*sinks head into right palm* Why must the human body be like this?

Alexandra I know from checking online, has no gynaecologist. Going there only confirmed it. The doc said he can only give painkillers for the condition I came to see him for.

He referred me to KK. Said they have 24-hrs gynae on duty even on Sun.

So, took cab to KK.

This is how my new year starts.... I fear how it might end.

Between now and tomorrow's appointment at KK for scan... is only a few more hours. Hope this night will be Ok.

Worrying does nothing but add to worry.

Called dad, but dad doesn't seem to care. Didn't ask bro to pass the phone to talk to me.

A few days ago, (the reason for the "shoulder to cry on" blog post) was because of dad's inconsiderate and rather evil behavior.

Yet, I feel he ought to know that I'm going into hospital tomorrow. So, bro called to tell him.

A few days ago...

I believe it was done on purpose because he wasn't pleased with what Bro and I said about his packet of fresh milk that wasn't refrigerated, he spilled the milk on the floor near the sink and just walked away.

I was in the bathroom and saw the spilled milk when I came out. Was going to confront him about it, when bro told me not to.

I told bro, dad did it on purpose so that I clean up.

Now, I guess maybe shouldn't have told him I would be going for scan and stuff tomorrow.

I've always thought that Dad was not quite right in the head. Now I think he has become evil and inconsiderate.

He knows I'm not well and still he spilled it for me to clean up. Even if it were an accident, surely he could have said so.

I feel it was malicious intent. Which means... maybe shouldn't have informed him about my problem.

As mentioned, he didn't even ask to talk to me on the phone. Bro explained to him and according to Bro's reaction and quick putting down of the phone...it didn't sound like Dad cared.

At the moment, I wish I had a friend...

I feel as though I've a fever. Sad also. Worry.

My life is ... it feels so short. *tears up, but stops it* Mustn't cry. Mustn't.

I have to believe that the transfusion will be fine.

Yesterday, I created a blogspot to show my writing for the first time.

I hope to be able to continue doing it.

I am still so young. *faint teary smile* With things to do, even if no people to see.

I can only blame it on bad genes, and my mom and dad for reproducing.

Dad's father (my grandpa who passed away years ago), was a heavy smoker. Drank alcohol as well and gambled.

Grandpa's genes... I believe were damaged. The family line from there is not well.

Future generation like myself and bro have to put up with the defects of his genes. Unfair.

Yet these genes have given me a gift. It is why I can write.

If all does not go well... *tears up again*.. I wish to say here, that I've... not lived in vain.

I have tried my best to live it in the best possible way. Even though my writing is not published, I tried my best. I can only hope for time.

Time to finish my 2 novels and time to write more.

In this life, it is my misfortune to have met my past love who did not care for me as much as I loved her. My sadness that I have no good/close friend. My sadness... especially for 1 thing that I was unable to prevent.

It is hard to think on the bright side of this transfusion, and scan.

There is nothing I can do.

Grief...

I have to think positive. There is no other way. Think positive.