Going Organic

Update 11 Nov Sun 2012: This is a very old post. Since then, I have found an online site to get organic stuff. However... I have found the site to be excellent, but not perfect.

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(First posted on Fridae)

Going Organic

2012-02-17 01:09

Searching for organic body washes (shower gels) that are free from parabens, alcohol, SLS (Sodium Lauryl Sulfate) and other drying/damaging chemicals.

Need something hydrating and moisturizing without needing to use body lotion after bathing.

No point buying a moisturizing body wash and then have to use body lotion after it. If the hydrating/moisturizing body wash/shower gel is that good, it shouldn't be necessary to have to use body lotion.

So, I don't know why women compliment a body wash for being moisturizing and then follow up with body lotion/cream. Double moisturizing? Or the body wash simply wasn't good enough?

Personally, I don't like using body lotion or even hand creams... Even though sometimes I buy, but... then use only a few times before leaving aside. I just find it pointless to apply creams because the body has its own natural layer of moisture and oils.

And that natural cover is easily eroded by the very chemicals that sellers claim to be moisturizing.

I end up throwing away a lot of creams, lipsticks, lip balms, facial toners and moisturizers because they don't work.

Thinking of buying many organic body washes that I browsed online. Very expensive... Can't afford to buy a US$20 body wash for only 8oz (237ml).

237 ml is so little. Really. By the time it gets airmailed into Singapore, the price would be SGD40 at the minimum. Too crazy even for my taste.

Yet it's hard to let go. Red Flower Icelandic Moonflower body wash.

Red Flower is the brand name. Never heard of it but it's got plenty of positive reviews, except for 1 that said the scent was ...too strong/heavy.

So, then I thought of switching to their Japanese Peony body wash, same price, same amount, but my heart has been set on Icelandic because of its wonderful name.

Just recently, I dropped by Crabtree at Vivocity to check out their Pomegranate body wash that I saw online. Looked a rather big bottle but according to online, it's only 250ml.

The Crabtree saleswoman said the individual bottles have sold out, but they have a last set at a discounted price of $55 for the wash and lotion (original price $60).

Dividing $55 by 2... it's still an incredible amount to pay for just body wash/shower gel.

Sniffing the Rosewater shower gel was heavenly, but it's only a very narrow bottle that costs a lot.

Imagine how much smaller the Icelandic shower gel at 237ml would be, and costs even more.

What do these people think they are selling? Gold?

When you browse the shelves of Watsons and Guardian, it's ironic that shower gels that call themselves "moisturizing" actually contain parabens (methylparaben etc...) and alcohol that dry out the skin, instead of moisturizing.

Even Cetaphil, that's said to be for very sensitive skins, contains parabens.

[For more information on parabens, SLS, etc., -- http://www.vivawoman.net/2008/04/17/better-skin-without-paraben-sls/]

These days, I've realized that organic is the way to go. As best as possible and if not too expensive, I choose organic fresh vegetables and fruits.

In the past, organic used to equate to very expensive. But these days, prices have gone down a lot and some items are pretty reasonably priced. Fresh and nice-looking as well.

Example:  4 organic Juliet apples from France cost $5.95 at Giant. That's pretty reasonable for organic apples that look good, smell sweet and taste great. And free from pesticides.

A packet of Chye Sim costs about $2.55 at NTUC. That's also reasonable. Compared to non-organic Chye Sim at about $1+, it costs just a little more for pesticide-free and safe dining. It just puts your heart at ease to know it's organic. Whether it's been genetically altered is another matter.

Pesticides and hormones pumped into our food source, can be blamed for plenty of problems in a human body. I would say, even cause sexual orientation problems.

Notice that it is only in recent years that there are more gays and transgender people. I don't think it is about coming out of the closet, or genes.

Hormones and vitamins pumped into eggs, milk, chicken meat...

While I can't say that our water supply is involved, it would not be surprising that these synthetic chemicals have also found their way in there.

Is there organic bread selling in Singapore?

So far, all the flavors of Gardenia, Sunshine, Bonjour and other brands of bread, have a very artificial and yeasty taste. Also, the reason why they can last an extra 1 or 2 days after expiry date, is because of the preservatives.

Probably, it's the preservatives that make the bread taste odd, although Gardenia white bread tastes a little better than the others.

For my skin... all along, I never cared what type or brand I used for shampoo and shower gels. I would buy whatever looks interesting and smells good. I never read the ingredients.

So, I've used plenty of different types and flavors of gels and shampoos over the years.

Of late, I think this has caught up with my skin that has become very dry. Dry to the extent of feeling tight with a little itch sometimes along my thighs when stretched.

Though it probably has something to do with my swimming, past and present, I think it's more to do with the chemicals in the shampoos and shower gels over the years.

It's only recently that organic bath and body products, and food, have turned up on our shelves. And it would seem the more educated people who know about the benefits are appreciating them.

Certainly, more educated also likely means more spending power.

People are more careful these days of what they use and what they eat. Some are overly cautious, without considering that sometimes... it doesn't matter what you eat or do, it's just ... bad genes.

Or it doesn't matter what you eat or do, because... other things can go wrong that wasn't planned or foreseen.

As the proverb says: Man proposes, God disposes. (Though I wouldn't count too much on the existence of such a being.).

As the devil also said on a T-shirt I once saw a man wearing up the bus: God is busy. May I help you?

I like that T-shirt. I believe it's truer than God. *small smile*

Some time back, after seeing that shirt, I considered buying it online, but didn't, again because of cost and shipping.

Just 2 days ago, I spent some bucks buying 3 organic body washes from US websites from a middle person.

All supposed to be organic, sans drying/harsh/detergent chemicals. So, I'm waiting to try them when they arrive.

Meanwhile, I'm eyeing at the brand Pharmacopia (Lavender flavor) for US$15.40 that I saw on Skin Botanica, but don't know how to buy this into Singapore (affordably) together with a few other items.

I could buy through the middle person again... but will need to ask how much.

If I do that, I was thinking of asking how much for a Speedo swimsuit as well.

The Speedo US website accepts cards issued outside of the US, but they don't ship out. So odd and what a bummer.

I need a swimsuit (again).

Last year, I made the mistake of ordering a Speedo swimsuit from an independent swimming products US website (instead of Amazon or from the middle person, that I felt were too expensive).

Well, this website charged even more in the end. Not sure how the heck airmail got so much or how they calculated it.

I ended up paying SGD 140+ for a swimsuit. And it took longer to get here than if I had ordered from Amazon.

Amazon charges for handling and shipping, but they are fast. Just that airmail is a real killer.

Recently, I tested total cost for just 5 paperback books at Amazon and airmail quoted was US$62. My goodness.

US$62. Just for 5 paperbacks (not even hard cover). I went through the middle person to get them for me and waiting for arrival. The waiting is the disadvantage, but no choice, to save on airmail.

Skin Botanica does ship to Singapore, but the airmail is also killer (just 3 bottles of body wash cost US$39 airmail). http://skinbotanica.com/

If you live in the US, then it's free shipping for orders over US$49 *arggghhh* It's not fair... (common for many US websites to offer free shipping for just low amount purchases).

I considered using Comgateway, but even up till Dec 2011, people were still complaining how bad it was.

Using other US forwarders... will also be costly.

I might have to give up Pharmacopia (unless I go through the middle person or buy from Skin Botanica), though the Lavender has received good reviews.

Ahh...

Then... there's this interesting brand called 100% Pure (or 100 percent pure) with really delicious and fabulous-sounding flavors.

Surprisingly, Google showed up a local business here that actually sells 100% Pure products, from body washes to cosmetics with plant pigments. Their office is at Kallang Pudding (wherever that is).

Found their Facebook first before seeing they have a website (with a URL that doesn't bear the brand name, no wonder didn't come up in Google search).

http://www.puritycosmetics.com.sg/

The brand is supposedly 100% pure in that the products contain only natural ingredients and preservatives. No chemicals whatsoever.

One local blogger brought her boyfriend to their office, and actually ate a little of one of their body scrubs after the owner (?) suggested that she try it. The owner, Janet, says it tastes like jam.

I was thinking... that that being the case, it means the product is as good as homemade (though homemade would be superior since fresher), than spending money buying it.

So, why should I spend $27 on a body wash when I can make it myself? Janet informed that for new customers, there's a 22% discount.

Well... that's if I know how to make a body wash myself.

I know scrubs can be homemade/DIY. It's very simple and cheap. I once put out ads offering natural ingredients facial and body "spa" massage for ladies.

Plenty of recipes for DIY online. All using fruits, natural oils etc... I had some interested replies through my ads.

I'm also interested in 100% Pure's line of body creams, but not sure how oily (or not oily) it's going to be.

Usually for natural products, there will be some settling of natural oils and separation of ingredients etc...

So, I'm not sure how 100% Pure's stuff is going to be (unless I buy a body wash and body cream to try).

A reviewer said the body cream absorbs easily into the skin and the scent doesn't linger.

For the body wash... reviews have said the lathering is weak, scent doesn't linger on the skin, a little watery, but... great for their skin.

Mm... I prefer my shower gels creamy with some light scent on my skin after bathing.

Hard to decide, hard to buy when it's all money money money...

Then there's Pure Fiji, that reviews have been good about. Never heard of the brand either, but they have some very tasty bath wash flavors. :)

Skin Botanica sells some, but here is the wider range on the Aussie site (but they don't ship out):

http://www.purefiji.com/aus/

They also have sites in US, UK, Fiji (assuming main site), New Zealand and Korea (surprisingly).

Clicking on "by Range" in the menu tab, comparisons can be made.

*looking at the Korean site* Hmm... I've a contact person for Korea, so at least I can order. Immediately thinking of importing into SG to sell.... :)

For shower gels, the Korea site has Passion Flower and Frangipani (total 7 choices to pick) but the Aussie has Orange Blossom (total 6 choices to pick).

Other difference is the Aussie version has Hydrating Body mist that the Korean doesn't have.

The Reniu line and Outdoor Protection (insect repellents) are not in the Korean version.

(The Aussie site is very much slower than the Korean)

Dilo Rescue series, body spray sold out at Korean site and also missing Body Gel travel size.

Facial Solution series... the Aussie site has only Toner and Cleanser. Korean site has Hydrating Multi-Active Serum, Multi-Active Night Creme (sold out) and Multi-Active Day Creme (sold out).

I just did the calculation. ~.~ It would cost SGD 50 for 1 bottle of shower gel (Pineapple flavor. Mango sold out) from the Korean site, without shipping.

Buying from Skin Botanica is cheaper...

Definitely can't import this brand for sale unless wanna do wholesale...

Update:

I found another reviewer who blogged about buying discounted 100% Pure bathing washes at OG Orchard. But her blog was in 2010.

Tonight (17 Feb), I checked it out, and wasn't surprised to see OG no longer carries the stock.

When she mentioned she bought at a discount, I guessed they were probably clearing out stock. Also, the bottle for the organic mint Eucalyptus foaming shower gel she photographed for her blog is no longer in use. The brand has changed its bottles.

While I could order from Janet and save a lot with the new customer 22% discount...

I just realized that in her e-mail when she replied to me, she typed my name starting with a small alphabet, while she signed off her own name with a capital first letter.

A slip of respect for the customer? *thinks* No wait... she typed the reply on her phone. Meaning, capitals and small letters are difficult to control.

Her sign off could also be an automatic outgoing signature.

Yet fact is, she got her name right with the capital first letter in the right place. Yet didn't bother to amend/notice the small starting letter of my name.

Do I want to give my money to someone who doesn't respect me as a customer?

Well... it's kinda hard to decide when I'm really curious about the body washes and she's the only one who seems to stock them in Singapore.

Strange but true that it seems there is no one else selling the 100% Pure brand in Singapore. How can that be?

If anyone of you sees it selling anywhere in SG, send message.

Update 2: (19 Feb Sun)

I still can't decide whether to get the 100% Pure shower gel and facial cleanser from Janet.

Mainly because I've bought many products that have disappointed so far. From the reviews for 100% Pure, it doesn't sound too great, although it does sound like might work.

Bottomline, it's all about money.

Many things I need to buy and do with money:

1) Go to Japan. I am missing it so very much, it's driving me a little depressed.

2) Go to Taiwan. I need to buy more Wacoal bra and panties that fit me so well. Only the new mall Jing Zhan sells (haven't seen it elsewhere in Taiwan) and the sales lady was so nice when I was there last year.

She told me this Wacoal brand and the designs are exclusive to Taiwan. It got me thinking that that's why I've never seen them in Singapore. A pity. The designs are unique, youngish and most importantly, very fitting. 

From Taiwan, go to Japan.

3) Since no money to go, I would settle for a Singapore hotel room bath tub relaxing soak for 1 night.

I won't "order" any more women from Fridae to give me a massage because I've been too disappointed with freelancers and previous experiences.

4) Full sensuous body masssage from (trying out) Changi Village Hotel (recommended by a woman on Fridae).

Looking it up now, Google says the spa is called "The Retreat" and also available at the Mariott. Great. I can go to the Mariott then, nearer.

Been reluctant to have to search how to get to Changi Village Hotel.

Do you have dirty, sexy, sensuous massage? ^____^

Hmm...seems the massage "treatments" are different for the Mariott and Changi Village, even though both under The Retreat.

*frowns with pout* Prefer Changi Village. Cheaper prices and with the more usual relaxing treatments (what the heck is Thalasso Swedish massage at the Mariott?).

Besides, the woman who recommended it on Fridae said she had tried a very nice sensuous massage at Changi Village. Not sure if her "sensuous" matches with what I'm expecting.

5) 100% Pure shower gel (Pomegranate) and facial cleanser (Lavender).

6) If I order from Janet, I will remove the same items that I put into Skin Botanica's online cart. Still, the other items in the cart will be a costly purchase from Skin Botanica after shipping.

7) Speedo swimsuit. US$49.99. Supposed to be "new" in Speedo website, but why so cheap? Cheaper than their usual. The Magnetic Space Remix Y-Back - Speedo Endurance+ is pretty cool.

I always only buy Speedo's Endurance series, though I wonder how long this one will last because of the shoulder straps. Though they have reinforced the straps, I doubt thin straps like that can last long.

Still, it is a beautiful and cool design in the water. And the price is pretty good.

But where to buy online that will ship to Singapore and how much airmail... headache every time.

I need a US person to ship stuff for me... Anyone (reliable) living in the US, welcome to apply (preferably Oregon/Delaware). I pay a commission guaranteed. 

Exactly 1 Month

From 8 Jan when I went to A&E Alexandra & KK Women's Hospital (with the problem actually starting earlier), till 8 Feb yesterday (as of posting now), it's been exactly a month.

I thought it was slightly more than a month, but counting it exactly from A&E, it's exactly a month.

8 Feb morning, for the first time since 8 Jan, I went back to swimming.

Morning, I jogged a little, then evening swam 23 or 24 laps of the pool with hand paddles till 6.10 pm. Felt normal, as if nothing had happened. Can it be considered back in shape or...?

Had thought to swim relaxed without hand paddles, but felt Ok to use them.

The previous days, I've been jogging mornings, a little each time. Very slowly.

Still dependent on iron supplements (1~3 a day, depending on how I feel).

Will be posting change in diet and effects since 8 Jan.

Tease & Flirt @ Firefly Saturday 4 Feb (Singapore Clubbing)

(First posted in Fridae)

Firefly on Sat 4 Feb

2012-02-07 00:27

Fridae came back on after maintenance... but still looks the same. Thought was going to be upgrade? Revamp like Trevvy?

Well, the same is better than doing something new that doesn't work (like Trevvy).

What did Fridae do during these 2 days of maintenance? I still have to refresh the page so many times just to get the blog posting area to display properly in order to post.

And still having problems connecting to the site. Where is their server based in anyway?

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Firefly @ Mariott basement on Sat 4 Feb. Was an event where party-goers were given finger lights with each color denoting a different meaning. Very cool, sexy, fun idea.

Which was why I was interested this time, when receiving the Herstory e-mail about this event.

Usually, I just delete Herstory e-mails, but the theme this time was interesting enough to make me consider going (except I didn't have anyone to go with).

"Herstory Tease & Flirt: All Grrls Party @ Firefly 4 Feb 2012 (Saturday).

We all know February is the month of love. And to celebrate...

Herstory is bringing back the Tease & Flirt party we’ll willingly queue up for. Don’t remember what happened last year? Well, you wore your single status on your sleeve with a chosen light stick, downed too many stiff drinks and walked up to the sexy little thing who caught your eye – no need to say the rest. Aren’t you just excited that we’re doing this all over again? With a smashing, smouldering crowd; Gia, your favourite crowd-pleasers and DJ Victor’s killer tunes, no less.

Upon entry, you'll receive a LED Laser Finger Lights that is coded with the colour that best represents you!

BLUE: Single and Available!

GREEN: Predator on the Lookout!

RED: Tease with caution!

WHITE: Anything goes!

NONE: Oops I'm taken!

Grrls, Booze, Wicked Music, Dance Grooves. Enjoy a merry time @Firefly for Herstory Monthly Saturday Grrls Party.

**Make your table reservations early to avoid disappointment**

FREE ENTRY for students 19-23yrs before 10pm (Must show student pass)

FREE ENTRY for air crew before 11pm (Must show crew pass)

FREE ENTRY for Birthday Grrls all night long. (Celebrate your birthday during Herstory party and sign in 2 guests for FREE)

FREE LED Laser Finger Lights for all *While stocks last

Please email party@herstory.ws for table reservations and birthday celebrations."

Look at those color codes. :) Aren't they fun?

I was deciding between Blue & Green. As it turned out during the party, very few people wore more than 1 color on their fingertips (excluding the waiters who wore 3).

In fact...very few people actually turned on their finger lights, even though at the door, they were asked what colors they wanted and were given those lights.

Though the women came in pairs or in groups, I doubt All of them were taken.

So, it was quite a mystery why so many lights weren't turned on.

To begin at the beginning...

After receiving the e-mail and wondering about going, it became doubtful I'd be going since I doubted there would be anybody to go with, and I was too uncertain and lazy to go alone.

There was however, 1 possible chance of an accompanying companion...if she read my message in time here on Fridae.

On Friday, I sent message, just a thought whether we might go together to the event and doubtful she would read it in time. There have been quite big spacings of days in our replies so far.

However, on Saturday (the day itself), she replied. :)

I gave her my number since there wouldn't be much time till the event, and I might be going out to Takashimaya.

Even then, I wondered if I would actually be at Firefly that night since various possibilities could happen. Who knows. I've since learnt to not get my hopes up for a lot of things.

After a much needed nap, I left late for Taka, wanting to buy some groceries with my bro. (The nap was not planned, but I was just too tired/sleepy).

I was thinking of meeting my companion at Mariott at 9.30~10pm (was hoping to get the finger lights "while stocks last").

Also, I planned to leave the club before midnight to catch public transport. So... the later we met, the less time we would have to stay and watch, although from first-time experience at Attica, I knew 9.30~10pm was rather early for clubbing/clubbers who would only start getting in near or past midnight.

But no choice if I wanted to catch public transport.

On the other hand, my companion was planning (?) on a later time...and would not be there until past 10 pm.

Arriving at Taka, amazingly, the mall was going to close at 9.30pm, leaving just a few minutes of browsing at the supermarket and Watsons before the entire place just shuttered up.

Ah... that was too early since I wouldn't be meeting my newfound acquaintance till 10.30pm.

Somehow bro and I hung around, and then walked down to the Mariott where there didn't seem to be a basement inside or outside, and no directions to "Firefly".

Odd.

Had to ask the cafe waiter/lobby man at the Mariott lobby. He said to go past the lobby, see the exit sign and turn left.

He had to say that twice because ... I repeated after him and he repeated.

So then... Bro and I found the place.

It was not at basement level at all, but at the side of the building with a sign in faded orange-red "Firefly".

A few Indian men in suits sat around outside (doormen) with a few people leaning along the wall making me think it was a queue.

I said to my bro that the place looked seedy. (Like some Chinatown night spot with underground things going on inside).

One uncle holding the hand of a younger woman swept in. Now, why would an uncle be going to this event?

I followed, with my bro hanging rather reluctantly behind. Standing outside, I saw the uncle looking at the "menu" in a glass stand inside.

That seemed normal enough. To make things less seedy than it looked, I told my bro that the uncle was looking at the "menu" (implying we could also do the same).

So I entered, with the doormen glancing at me as I passed.

Bro followed. And we stood in front of the "menu" while the uncle went downstairs with his girlfriend/mistress to Firefly.

The menu turned out to be a programme list of what's up at the club for the night.

That was also when the uncle came back up the stairs with the younger woman and left.

So it seemed he had discovered what this event was about and felt it wasn't to his taste?

Bro and I also left to go back to the lobby (to wait for my companion). I said I'd check out the club downstairs later.

Along the way, I saw older women in very casual, non-clubbing attire heading to the club... (example, a woman in a flowing tube dress).

Strange.

In the lobby restroom, I saw aunties. Also attending the event?? Or more likely in for cheap alcohol and cheap entrance fee?

While joining the end of the 3-women queue for available cubicles, I was rather attracted to a woman in a black collared shirt, jeans and black belt waiting in front of me.

Short-cropped hair, hard narrow face, rather masculine height and slim physique with a little love handles (fat) on either side above the jeans.

Must be one of those masculine-styled women attending the event. But.. she was an older woman compared to the usual younger types, and her face was hard with some of that age showing (despite her short hair). A little of the auntie look already.

She suddenly turned and noticed me standing behind her, as we waited.

Then she did something strange:

For a moment, she sidestepped to the left, as if wanting to let me go first? Or...?

I didn't get what she was doing, but then she went ahead to a cubicle that just opened, and by her clicking heels, I noticed her shoes were black and flat-heeled like a man's.

(Incidentally, I didn't see her or any of the aunties in the club when I finally went in).

At the lobby, bro and I sat in the cafe sofas while waiting. Bro was afraid the waiter/lobby man would ask us to leave. I said, "That's why I'm reading the menu".

Or rather, pretending to read it.

I said even if the waiter asked us to leave, I believe he would do so nicely, since this is a 5 or 6-star hotel. No problem if he should say we couldn't sit here.

Looking around while waiting, I saw a ... pink and collared shirt pudding with glasses walking by.

Made me smile. I told my bro, "This pudding is also going to the event?".

I was sure she was going to the event since she looked the sort. The type who dresses in the masculine style: typical shirt, jeans and short hair.

Except... Rounded, bouncy...pudding.

Around 10.40 pm, my acquaintance arrived in the lobby area.

Although there were a few people walking in and out, her entrance was quite unmistakable (though we've never met).

Bro said, "That one, is it? With the phone in her hand.". He was speaking a little too loudly to catch her attention since she was walking away. It alarmed me because I'd rather just meet her on my own, without my bro being seen.

I had seen her, but turned to look again. Then said to my bro that he could leave with the groceries (so I could meet with her).

Bro and I had earlier decided that he would walk with me to Mariott and then leave once my acquaintance arrived.

I had told bro it was an all-girls party, with men as guests, but didn't mention it was a gay women's event...

I had said if he wanted, he could come along, just pay more, but at the thought of having to pay for what he wasn't interested in, he said "don't want" (as I knew).

Yet I was making rather obvious comments about the event and the women, so I don't know if he knew what kind of event it was. At the end when I came home, I even said my finger light color means "single and available" and he still didn't comment.

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Mm...first of all, thanks to my companion for taking a cab down to meet with me, just to be at Firefly.

As we went down the stairs where the party was...

I heard heavy music bass blasting up, making me reluctant to continue. Since my acquaintance had been in there once before, I asked if the $10 was worth paying.

Upon reaching the bottom of the steps facing the club's entrance, I hung back at the side while the counter staff took entrance fees from those entering and stamped the underside of the forearms of a group of girls.

At such times, the most irrational indecisiveness and anxiety will seize me.

I'll hang outside a club instead of going in (even though I came with the intention of entering), wondering if paying the entrance fee is worth it (or if I should save it and go home).

Going to clubs/bars actually gives me quite a lot of stress/anxiety before entering. I would feel great uncertainty and indecisiveness...Neither able to go in nor leave.

While others casually, excitedly and happily just stroll in, I seem unable to. My feet seem rooted to the ground outside, and I just can't seem to cross that threshold.

The louder the music I hear coming from inside, the worse. It gives me even more of an excuse not to go in (on account of the music being too deafening, and I still want my hearing).

Yet, I came to the place wanting to go in and have fun.

It's a very... difficult dilemma that can be quite a torture whenever I'm outside a nightclub/bar. I could hang around outside for several long minutes trying to decide whether to go in (and in the end walking away).

It's like a person is afraid of water, so he/she stands at the pool's edge looking down at the beckoning water, but can't go in.

Afraid. Yeah, I think that's it.

Fear of what's inside that dark place. Afraid of what exactly...I actually don't know. It's a barrier feeling.

I guess because it's been ingrained to me since young what such places are like, what kinds of people are there etc...

It's very hard for me to think of such places as just for "fun" especially when I've also read reports of drunken fights, bad behavior etc...

At the same time, I'm curious and want to see, want to be a part of.

If there's sex being performed live in there... that would be interesting. :)

If someone were to pick me up, or give me her number, that would be interesting.

If ladies started dancing naked or in their lingerie, that would also be

interesting.

(Later, I saw one short girl-guy putting her arms straight on the shoulders of another, swaying their hips with loving feeling to the music. Unfortunately, not sexy and I looked away.).

The possibilities that I wonder about and would like to see for real happening, seduces me.

At the entrance, pink heart-shaped balloons floated under the ceiling, dangling golden strings down (romantic). Inside, I could see tables and women in the semi-darkness as the music bass blasted.

I walked closer to look in, past the doormen, and inside looked fine. Still... I

continued hanging outside.

My companion was of the opinion that hanging around outside wasn't the thing. She was fine with staying or leaving.

I was thinking that since we were already there, and she had made her way to accompany me, I couldn't possibly just walk away (even though I most likely would have walked away if I came alone).

So, finally, I nodded that we go in, and she had to confirm that that was what I wanted.

Counter staff asked what colors we wanted for our finger lights and we asked for 2 blues. :)

Paid $10 per person, which was very cheap. As for drinks, I wasn't intending to have any. The nightclub can't make any more money off of me since I don't drink.

No I/C checks which I like.

Firefly wasn't as dark as Attica. It was a semi-darkness that you could see faces quite clearly. (And there were quite a few handsome-pretty girls there).

I thought it was going to be dimmed further later, but the place remained as it was.

It looked better than Attica, with better lighting and layout. Too bad the tables have to be reserved and the seats too far back to see the dance floor.

Dance floor is a small, concrete area. If anyone knows of a more classy nightclub with some nice carpeting and sofas, please let me know.

More of the pink heart-shaped balloons were strapped to railings around the dance floor and tables on the level above.

My companion got a glass of water for me, while she ordered a Heineken. The Heineken was served fast but my water and her change (after payment) took a while in coming. Minus points for bartender and waiter.

The price of my water was unknown and my companion assumed it was free. When the receipt came with the change, I didn't check the price. And later, my companion didn't save the receipt...

I had wanted to pay her for it. How much could a glass of water be?

Since it was still early in terms of clubbing time, I began to stroll around the

tables on the level above the dance floor, just to feel the layout of the floor area.

In the semi-darkness, some women sitting at the tables glanced up at me as I passed.

Halfway, I stopped because, suddenly I realized I seemed to be... too prowling or showing myself off...

So, reversing direction, I didn't complete the loop back to the start point, and re-joined my companion waiting behind me.

We stood at a small, round table reserved for "Cary" but this person didn't turn up even past 10.30 pm, at which time, according to my companion who referred to the e-mail via her handphone, the seat would be forfeit. I hadn't read the e-mail that closely to know this. So, I commented that it was some very sharp reading on her part. :)

That being the case, I took hold of the paper triangle, pulled it off without knowing it was stuck to the tabletop with sticky tape, put it aside and turned the name down.

The table was on the level above the dance floor, providing an excellent view of the dance area and around. I really liked it and wondered what was the table number (so maybe next time I might reserve the same one).

Unfortunately, our chairs were missing. Looking behind, other tables had more chairs than they should have.

Sharing the table with us, was ... whatdoyaknow... pink pudding. She had a girl beside her, though I didn't see who the friend was. Pink pudding placed her drink on our table but I can't recall if her friend's drink was also on it.

Nobody was dancing, everyone was just standing around giving a big empty space to the dance floor. Bummer.

But in hindsight, given the bad music without a rhythm to dance to, it was no surprise.

(Attica on the other hand, had played the same songs throughout the night, over and over again, with people not minding as they packed in and danced on that tiny dance floor).

A strange Ang Mo in a black off-shoulder dress took to the dance floor with a green light on the middle finger of his/her right hand... (isn't that a man?).

Green = predator. *grimace* With looks like that... and legs standing stiffly

apart (in a dress) like tree trunks... I doubt she/he could "predate" anyone.

A man joined in dancing with her for short while, then later a fat man did the same and she put her arms around his shoulders in a hug. Not sure if they are friends of hers or strangers.

The rest of the floor was expectedly of 2 types of women: those in pants and those not.

There were a few men, since men are allowed as guests of women, though it costs more at $15 per entry.

I noticed three short gay men that I realized were gay when one of them kissed the other near the dance floor. My thought was: why are they so short? They are men, are they not?

The women in pants seemed to wear the same as each other, with collared shirts. The type tends to wear plain-colored collared shirts, though in the semi-darkness, the colors couldn't be seen.

Those not in pants...I didn't notice.

As mentioned in a previous post, I seem to be interested in pretty-handsome (or handsome-pretty) women/girls. To me, their masculine roles are too obviously fake and they are more vulnerable than other women in this way.

Unknowingly, they wear their insecurities and vulnerabilities on the outside.

A weakness that attracts and fascinates me (and sometimes puts me off as well).

[Considering this earlier today 8 Feb, it occured to me: Doesn't that make me a true-er predator than the so-called predators? :) Watching and desiring those who think they hunt. ]

In bed, they would be under me. At the moment, just the thought of kissing and pleasuring a pretty one in bed is an enjoyable feeling.

For a moment, as I looked among the faces of those women in pants, I thought one of them might be Joy, the waitress from the Thai restaurant (so similar are all their faces).

The body type of those in pants was short, small-sized, thin/slim, with a few looking under-nourished and not well-proportioned.

Those in pants with faces that I noticed were pretty and feminine (rather than handsome), I wanted to get to know to bed (regardless of the person beside them whom I didn't even see).

There were quite a number of those around, as I looked around in the semi-darkness, and as it drew closer to midnight with more of them entering.

While my companion spoke in my ear and I nodded while listening (and pushing away the balloons on my left blocking my view), I noticed a woman glancing up at me as she stood on the level just below.

In a V-necked T, she was talking and smiling with friends, beer jugs on their table. One of those masculine-styled women.

Glancing back at her, our eyes made contact for a split instant before I glanced away. She looked dry from too much beer or smoking.

Not sure if she was specifically looking at me or just a coincidence.

Not sure if that was their table since they seemed to stand a little detached from it.

From time to time, I glanced down at her but no more eye contacts were made. She didn't glance up as much or anymore. Much later, the group drifted away.

Some time later, I noticed a girl-guy in a black-collared shirt standing directly across the club, at the back, leaning against the wall beside the DJ's place, seemingly looking straight at me.

At that distance, in the semi-darkness, she looked a lot like Joy. Wouldn't be surprised if it was her.

Meanwhile, the whole time, I was pushing away the pink heart-shaped balloons floating above the left side of our table. Tied to the bottom railing, they kept getting in the way of my dance floor viewing.

Even in the darkness/semi-darkness, all the ladies looked tired and worn out.

Probably due to working, smoking, alcohol, lack of exercise and lack of beauty sleep. All looking around the same age, 20s~30s.

At 11.50 pm, the place started getting very crowded, filling up the dance floor. Around that time, a waitress came to our table asking if we were "Cary".

Earlier, I had wondered to my companion if "Cary" was a male or female. While my companion thought that Cary is a female name, I felt the person might be female or male. There is a male actor that I liked in The Princess Bride movie with that name (Cary Elwes).

Since we didn't reply, the waitress turned the paper reservation triangle back up with the name facing in front, and plucked the remnants of sticky tape off the tabletop.

Then a group of women started taking over.

Whether there was a Cary among them, I've no idea. But they took over without so much as a glance back or around at us, which made me just stand back looking at them (without knowing where else to go or park).

Wasn't the table already forfeit after 10.30pm? Why were they still able to claim it? Now thinking about it, shouldn't we have "reminded" the waitress about it instead of just standing back?

The waitress spoke to them and I assumed it was probably to tell them that technically the table was no longer theirs but just this one time...

I glanced at my companion and saw her hanging aside, Heineken in hand, staring ahead at what seemed to be nothing in particular.

One of those who took over the table glanced back at me, but I have no recollection of what she looked like. A taller, unattractive one like a male Beng started laying out the Heineken coasters on their table.

With the table gone with the view, the place filling up fast, and the time ticking closer and closer to midnight, I decided to leave.

Yeah, leaving just when the fun just started. What a bummer (the same feeling I felt when having to leave Attica).

If only I had my own transport, I could stay past midnight.

My companion was Ok to leave, so we went. On our way out, a much longer queue was already in place, all the way up the stairs, comprising of female couples and one or two men/guys.

As we walked to the bus-stop, I wondered to my companion how we could stay if we didn't leave the place. Table gone. Dance floor crowded with more people coming in.

She said we could find a spot or corner on the dance floor area and stand around there.

I said it wasn't possible with the place getting so packed, but it was then that I realized that probably, she had wanted to stay. If she had wanted to stay, I might have...

But I was concerned that my bro would be worried about me since I told him I'd be back before midnight (besides worrying about the taxi fare surcharge). And I was getting slightly hungry and concerned about getting hungrier later.

Looking at the party, it didn't seem worth staying/sacrificing for.

Overall, I quite enjoyed Firefly, thanks to the company.

But since nothing happened while I was there, it was boring.

Too bad I had to leave before I turned into a pumpkin.

The crowd could do more than just stand around. I don't know what they did after I left. Maybe there was some sexiness or nottiness on the dance floor.

But while there, with my bright blue finger light hanging on the zipper of my pouch that I held in my hand, nothing happened.

As mentioned earlier above, very few people actually turned on their finger lights. My companion attributed it to shyness, though I wonder how that could be when they are gay women.

Yet they can't all be taken, right?

According to my companion, people are friendlier in the bars/clubs of other countries, such that "Hi, can I buy you a drink" is possible.

Where then, is my "Hi, can I buy you a drink" in the 2 clubs (Attica & Firefly) and 1 bar (the ex-Toca me) that I've visited so far?

She said it can never happen in gay women bars/clubs in Singapore.

What a pity. It means I'll never get picked up. *smiling at the silly thought*

It means I've to come up with a story where picking up and then bed occurs. And more that never happens at these gay women events in SG. Such as... being enjoyed by a few women in a secret room of a club. Such a room that I actually saw at Firefly, just across from the bar counter.

An empty room where I saw one woman standing, looking miserable... and if I recall correctly, smoking.

What a pity. A room just for smoke.

Upon catching the bus and walking home (after the bus interchange closed), and then reaching home, I showed bro the finger light.

I wondered where the club got such cute lights, and he said, "Daiso sells".

Is it? Then the club bought them at $2 each? Isn't that rather expensive to give out to everyone? Or did they get a bulk deal?

Incidentally, when in a club/bar, I always look at the ceiling and floor, and notice it doesn't take much to open one. No decoration needed. Not really needing much paint.

Small dance floor, minimal furniture. Pack everybody in on a Saturday night, reap in the bucks. (Is a one-time packing in a week enough for a lot of profit?).

I wonder how much money they are making and also want to open my own club.

Firefly charges $10/person for entry. Is that enough to operate such a joint? Or more likely, the profit comes from the alcohol?

I wonder if I should visit Firefly again, since they have events every Sat night (if I got that right). This time, I'll go alone.

Or should I check out PLAY that my acquaintance said is better with a younger crowd that's more daring? :)

I start imagining myself in the black gothic-punk style top with jeans, sitting one leg crossed over the other, in a couch, a drink in hand. A glittering blue earring on my left/right ear, and a ring hanging from a long silver-black chain necklace.

That ought to interest the younger, daring girls without scaring them away with too much gothic/punk.

That gothic/punk top, when I first tried it on (some year back) in the shop with my jeans, the salesgirl had immediately exclaimed that I looked cool. Although I was skeptical about her comment, I bought it for a lot of money (yes, I don't remember how much).

Mm.. Not sure if the same cool effect is still there...I don't think so, but it's worth a fantasy.

A young girl giving me her number would be nice. PLAY I noticed before (while standing out there one night), has a queue of very young girls. So young that I wondered if they are merely 12 or 13, though that's impossible since it would be against regulation (unless the club is breaking it).

To be honest, at Firefly, it was a little awkward holding on to a bright blue light that signaled I'm single and available. It's like... yeah, like a Firefly. :) (what a brilliant idea this club came up with).

But in practice... it felt odd walking around with a signal like that. At first, while getting our drinks at the bar, I switched it on and off, following the music.

I didn't want to switch it off completely because I was there to attract interest. If it were switched off, it would defeat the purpose.

Then I attached the light to the zipper of my pouch and quite forgot about it.

So... in a way, my acquaintance might be right about the ladies being "shy" to turn on their lights. Though it's also quite possible that almost all are taken since they came with girlfriends. Taken = no finger light (bummer).

When I mentioned to bro about "Hi, can I buy you a drink" and why gay women in Singapore were too shy to do the same, he said, "Not shy, it's stingy.".

I laughed and had to agree since my first thought when I heard my companion mention it, was "This person so rich, meh? Buy a stranger a drink.".

It's because I can't see myself buying someone a drink, no matter how attractive the other person looks. So, yeah, I laughed because my bro is so right.

Pretty sure that's what gay women of SG think as well, though shyness/coyness also has a part.

-------------

8 Feb: Thinking of the posh line of clubs from the same "family" that just opened last year. I didn't know they existed until they came up in a Google search last night.

So, there are clubs with plush carpets and furnishings after all.

MINK has some pretty women partying there (but what sort?)... https://www.facebook.com/clubmink

Unfortunately, a review said MINK is more of a lounge than a club, with plenty of sofas but not enough dance floor. That's rather a bummer since I want to see dancing (not Waltz).

As for Royal Room, designed for "Singapore’s elite clientele", access via invitation and referrals only => looks boring: http://sg.lifestyleasia.com/en/features/wine-and-dine/new-club-royal-room-at-pan-pacific-singapore-9062/

Pangaea... Nice cool wow name, but are those PVC seats? http://sg.lifestyleasia.com/en/features/entertainment/new-club-pangaea-singapore-9168/

Why does it look so boring? (It won't be boring if naked women go from section to section, dancing for the customers to watch... and if preferred... do more on the seats).

Interesting they used the name Pangaea. So these club owners are educated (surprised).

Eons ago, the continents were one, called Pangaea, until it broke apart, separating into the present continents.

Not interested in Avalon, since from their website, the place looks like a garage.

Ebay SG Singapore & Pinkbox Waterton/Konlinehouse Korea Shopping Service Post Comment

Mm... such stupidity these days. Quite annoying.

I don't like using the "s" word, but it has become necessary these days. No point going around it with lesser and less accurate words.

At first, had ideas of what the first post should be, after the brief absence. Practically typed it out in my head a few nights. But then... things always get in the way, like this:

1) Ebay SG. 

Received Ebay e-mail message this morning, that someone just purchased a set of new cosmetics I was selling. At the same time, there was a 2nd Ebay e-mail saying my a/c was restricted.

Assuming my Ebay message box was also restricted, I sent e-mail to the buyer, thanking her for her purchase with payment details. After that, I signed into my Ebay a/c and realized the message box was fine. So, I sent the same message to the buyer's Ebay account.

Every time I get message from Ebay SG that someone has "bought" my items, I can't rejoice until the person actually makes the payment. Ebay SG has so many bad buyers that usually they don't pay for all sorts of reasons.

To be polite, when someone has "bought" an item, I'd say "Thanks for your purchase", although nothing has been purchased yet and the item is still mine until the money comes through. 

This time, was no surprise to receive her reply through e-mail:  (Joanne Ong joanne.chiam@gmail.com)

Sorry but I did a wrong click.

"did a wrong click".

How possible is that?

First, there's the big blue Ebay "Buy It Now" button right beside the price. One would need to place the cursor on that button and click it.

Is it possible to do a "wrong click"?

How about after clicking and the price slowly sinking in....she suddenly realized she didn't have the money to pay (or changed her mind about buying)?

Even if it was an accidental click, shouldn't she send a sincere message first to apologize? Why wait till receiving my message with payment details, then say "did a wrong click"?

It is unlikely the click was accidental.

I don't know what young girls like her are thinking these days and how they were brought up. What else can she be, except one of those young flippy floppy girls (unless it's a young floppy "he")?

The new generation are very poorly raised, ever since parents went to work and stopped taking care of their own kids.

The future generation will be worse because they are currently being "raised" by foreigners such as Filipinos, Indos and (goodness no) China-ese.

On a plus side, at least she had the decency to reply that she "did a wrong click". Some others would have just kept quiet and pretend they didn't exist.

Then comes the question...Would it matter if they didn't exist?

-----------

Due to the "wrong click",  I can't put the listing back on (unable to put up for sale again), because Ebay now has this ridiculous policy where only a certain number of items can be listed. After that, there is no way to re-list or to change any of the listings, until their bid times all expire at the same time and they are all put back up at the same time.

To change something in a listing, it would then only be possible to put only this listing up. The other items/listings would be denied.

Example, if you had 20 items/listings, you would need to re-list all of them at once.  If you made a change to 1 of them and then re-listed it, you wouldn't be able to re-list the rest. Ebay will say you have exceeded the "limit" of the number of items you can sell, which is insane. It's a bug (among others) or some absurd policy that started some time back.

2) Comment from a she/he/it about Korea Shopping Service Konlinehouse/Pinkbox Review here.

I posted this review of a Korea shopping service that I had used, partly because I knew it would be searched on Google. Meaning, this new blog site would have some traffic from it.

It was a certainty that people would be looking for a review on this shopping service (Konlinehouse/Pinkbox) website, in order to know whether they should trust it or use it. My review would be sought for and found. At that time, it would be the only review available on this shopping service website (it still probably is the only one, I haven't checked).

Since posting it, I've had (not surprisingly), people asking for free information on "reliable" Korea shopping service websites.

When I ran ads looking for erotic/sensuous massage from suitable ladies, women (who don't do their own homework) would ask me if I have found one, and to let them know when I've found one.

At first, I replied without temper. Subsequently, I just told them off to go look on their own instead of riding free on my information that I am seeking on my own effort and time.

Here I am, trying my best to look, hoping and waiting, and finding it difficult (because there hasn't been anyone matching my requirements). And there, these women are not only not offering to provide what I'm seeking, but dare to ask for a handout.

I don't know why women always take, expecting freebies, taking for granted.

Men on the other hand, so far I've found online, freely give information (even though I was looking for women in my ads).

One guy's message made me realize another type of massage that I had never heard of at that time: Tantric/Tantra. He said from my description, it might be what I'm looking for. (It wasn't).

Another guy said he wasn't offering to give me massage, and didn't know how to anyway, but he knew a woman whom he thinks might be suitable and gave me her number (she ultimately turned out to be bad).

There are other times when men have provided information and comfort to me online. But women...

Be they customers, lover or friend... online or offline, gay or not, I can't think of a woman (non-family) who has impressed me positively.

Sure, they impress me all the time actually... I get surprised by their... silliness, ridiculousness, appalling attitude, language and behavior, shallowness, hollowness... I'm just shocked (deadpan).

Now, the latest comment about the shopping service website, asked the same as the others: whether I know of any reliable Korea shopping service and to e-mail her/him/it.

As I have done for the others who asked, I sent her a link to a website that I know is reliable.  In her case, I added that the website would be suitable if she was in Singapore.

Her reply, without a "thanks" or even a "hi":

isn't it just advertising for yours? -.-

Now, consider: If I wanted to advertise something of mine, don't you think I'd put out the link every time someone posted a comment asking for a reliable Korea shopping service website?

Whether I'm advertising or not, the fact is, she asked first. If she did her own homework and didn't ask, I wouldn't need to have to "talk" to her, now would I?

My reply:

You're free to think whatever you like.
Since you asked, there's a link provided to you.
Alternatively, you can search on your own.

Her reply:

sure cause it looks like it. i wasn't asking for services based in singapore, there are plenty of that around if i wanted. so thanks, but no thanks.

Point of fact:  There aren't many Korean services based in Singapore (or based in the US or anywhere else).

The Koreans are very closed in terms of exporting their stuff to the rest of  the world (unlike Japan). Not many people have direct Korean contacts.  Very, very few Koreans offer shopping service.

The Koreans do not generally have incentive to "help" people buy stuff from Korea.

If she wanted a direct Korea shopping service,  she should have said so, then I would have told her to go search on her own. I can only provide information on what I know to be "reliable".

What is this "thanks, but no thanks"? It's not as if I'm peddling the information. When someone provides information/help, regardless of whether it's useful, say "Thanks".  This is the least a person can do to show appreciation.

As mentioned, if she didn't ask, I wouldn't reply. Whether she's asking for services in Singapore or not, it is not a given that an answer is owed to her. Don't take it for granted that people owe her freebie information.

Whether she's looking for a shopping service based in Singapore or not, whether she finds it or not... Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

------------

As an aside: While I've criticized others for being poorly raised, my search for an erotic/sensuous massage from women is different from it. It is not a case of the pot calling the kettle black.

Take it in context.  Shouldn't an apology for a "wrong click" be sent immediately to the seller? For Ebay SG, there is nothing I can do regarding such buyers. But I wonder what about Ebay US or Europe? Is there any recourse for sellers against these sort of buyers? (probably also not, since Ebay has unfairly sided with buyers).

And that silly girl's "thanks but no thanks", without a "hi" or "thanks" for something given? I wonder if she's from Singapore... It is a sad fact that flippy floppy girls are plenty there. Then again... US girls can be as bad... (recalls a particularly bad one).

Why do I say it's a "she"?

1) Girls/women are more likely into shopping online than men. They cannot resist pretty images and are not as practical as men when shopping.
2) Her tone sounds female (silly, know-nothing, annoying, rude).

Ever since meeting such people online... I've become tired of being "correct". These days, sometimes, I actually don't bother capitalizing the beginning of sentences in some messages to some people whom I feel fed up with.

Yeah, it may sound funny, but capitalization does take effort. It shows respect, consideration, a desire to impress upon the other person positively or negatively, and for crystal clarity.

Unfortunately, while I take some breaks in being "correct", I still try to be mostly "correct" and I still make effort here and there.

Update in the evening:

Regarding "I can't think of a woman (non-family) who has impressed me positively", I recall that some time back, there was an Ebayer from Hong Kong who purchased cosmetics and actually made prompt payment. She was also nice enough to thank me when she received the package and for the "nice wrapping". She meant the bubble wrap that I used to protect the item.

Days...

Day...since last Sat... Day 7. A week since I last swum, and I think wounded the fibroid that got worse and gave my lower back hell.

I'm now typing at a distance of... I can't get the tape measure...The laptop screen is more than arm's length away, it's sitting on a cardboard box of the right height, but too far away.

Bro is fashioning a table that can be closer to me...trying to cut the cardboard box that he had bought the fan in for me 2 days ago because my old fan couldn't gear up to speed.

Too bad, the fan box isn't working. So I asked him to check Daiso plastic section for anything that might work as a table top in bed. Like those breakfast bed tables, you know.


I try not to move as much as possible. Just lay in a semi-sitting position in bed, propped with a pillow behind and that's it.

Bro thinks maybe Ikea might have. I said it doesn't have to be exactly a bed table. Just the function will do.

I'm lying perpendicularly in my bed, half of my legs outside on a swivel chair that is no longer in use recently but I refuse to discard. Had a feeling the swivel chair would come in useful. Had bought a new chair to replace it back then, but ironically/coincidentally now that I'm not up to par, I'm not using.

My poor bro is more stressed about my condition that me. He hasn't slept well at all since last week, and has been taking care of me (getting my food, bringing it to my bedside, searching online for more information on the condition).

I told him to take afternoon rest, don't be so stressed. Right now, all we can do is wait. According to online discussions by US women, it would seem a condition of degenerating fibroids that will take 2~4 weeks before feeling better. But those are pregnant women describing very super tough conditions that they went through.

I told bro those women deserve medals. My goodness. How is it even humanly possible to bear so much pain as they have done is beyond anything. Pregnant and with fibroids. Super double pain.

Dad just came home and asked me to go for blood transfusion. Since he don't understand a thing, I had to explain how much of a quack the doctors are.

Bro just came home from buying a tier rack shelf thing for me...


I told dad to not be so stressed (since he was sighing in front of me).  He said his blood pressure went up, etc etc... cannot sleep at night thinking about my problem etc...


I said there's no point worrying because worrying doesn't help. What I need is information and solution. If he has information on TCM, then fine. If not, nothing to be done.

Now, all we can do, or all I can do, is wait for whatever is the natural cycle to pass.

After explaining and talking to him so much, he still mentioned that maybe I should consider surgery. I got so fed up, I told him off that I waste my time talking to him. I glanced at the clock and said that while explaining to him, my day is gone.

If he don't understand, then fine. I am looking for alternative healing. Not more problems from people who don't understand the condition and propose things that will cause complications and more pain.

I'll try another go at writing today.

P/S: the silly hot water bottle doesn't help. It stinks of rubber/silicon. Gave me rash upon contact with skin. Its heat made me feel worse and made my backache worse.
 

Pissed

8.36 p.m. Thurs

Patience has turned to anger. Slammed the damn mouse against the mouse pad just now. It's been disobeying commands... bearable when I'm well, hateful when I'm ill. Hate it. Feel like throwing it against the wall. Smash Everything!

Why must I be given this female body?! Who gave it to me?!!

Lower back hurts, my womb/uterus hurts, fibroid hurts. I can't sit here typing without feeling the hurt.

Bro said those "Ah Kuas" (men who play dress up as women), should experience this. Since they want to be women, then have the whole package!

I said, "Now you know why I get so pissed with them. Men who think being women is just about wearing dresses and heels. Simplistic imbeciles. No matter how much you explain to them, they won't understand. Being a man is so much better, fewer physical problems. Women... indeed, I've come to believe, are the weaker sex in terms of physical well-being.".

For the past 5 days, bro has been taking care of me. I've been in bed most of the time. Even now, it hurts to sit too long at my desk. I'm thinking of moving the laptop to my bed.

I've to lay down. When will I be well again? Or is this... only the beginning of an end? *sardonic smile*

Bro has just bought me a warm/hot rubber bottle compress for the cramping feeling in my uterus. Now trying to make the damn thing work. The rubber stinks and hot water cannot be poured directly into it. Yet mixing with cool water does not make it hot. Useless thing.

We can only guess what the heck is going on inside me. I don't even know.

Might have to resort back to using the old fashioned towel in hot water way. Surprising, this simple method gives relief.

Ok, seems the rubber bottle is working. It's on me now and its heat increases from warm to hot.

Back at A&E Again. Alexandra (twice so far) & KK Singapore

First posted in Fridae. (8 p.m. for this posting)

Back at A&E (again). Alexandra & KK

2012-01-08 19:17

I'm feeling cold, unwell. Cold, sweating hands and feet.

Back from KK A&E (accidents & emergencies) where doc tested blood count to be only 5.8. Way below average (11~16) and under half.

Doc was keen for me to do blood transfusion and 1 night's admission for observation. He wanted to bring it up to 8 (= 1 bag of blood increases count by 1 unit).

I wasn't keen. Don't want another person's blood to be circulating in me. And afraid of incompatibility reaction that I read (in the past) can be life-threatening.

I mentioned antigens to him, and whether the matching will be 100% perfect.

Despite doc's assurance that it will be very carefully matched, and discussion with bro (who encouraged the transfusion), I walked out.

I said I was feeling fine (while sitting in the chair in front of the doc. He smiled, said yes, for now. But with so low blood count... it is very dangerous and risky. Can't tell when will suddenly faint. Heart is taxed.

If continue without transfusion, possibility of heart failure later.

Just 2 days ago, on Friday, I went swimming. 30 laps with hand paddles to increase workout. Had backache from another condition then, but didn't know blood count was so low.

Yet was able to pull 30 laps with effort. Had I known blood count was so low, I'd not have swam.

First month last year, a doc had checked blood count to be 7 point-something, and he had let me go without blood transfusion. I continued thinking my blood count remained at that number.

But blood count has since dropped without my knowledge.

Miracle I still could swim without even knowing. My goodness.

Before swimming, I had considered possibility of fainting suddenly while swimming. Body can give out anytime. If that happens, I would drown.

This doc said the same thing when I told him I go swimming.

At the moment, feeling poor.

Tomorrow, going back to KK to do scan.

At the moment, feeling poorly. I've decided to do the blood transfusion tomorrow.

Hope everything will be fine. I do not need 1 problem built on another.

I do not want to do blood transfusion. But looks like have to.

The human body is separate from the mind. I cannot control what the body will do next. I told the KK doc "I will take the risk" before walking out.

But can I? Is the risk something I can afford to take?

Didn't like the doc taking 2~3 bars of syringe of my blood. Before this, asked if it would hurt. He said, just a little. And nurse assured me as well, and told me not to look.

When he said need to draw blood for testing, I asked how much. He showed me about 2 bars of a syringe. I hate syringes.

I think he took more than he told me. :(

Meanwhile, I've customers' orders to handle. I won't be back tomorrow night if I agree to transfusion.

*sinks head into right palm* Why must the human body be like this?

Alexandra I know from checking online, has no gynaecologist. Going there only confirmed it. The doc said he can only give painkillers for the condition I came to see him for.

He referred me to KK. Said they have 24-hrs gynae on duty even on Sun.

So, took cab to KK.

This is how my new year starts.... I fear how it might end.

Between now and tomorrow's appointment at KK for scan... is only a few more hours. Hope this night will be Ok.

Worrying does nothing but add to worry.

Called dad, but dad doesn't seem to care. Didn't ask bro to pass the phone to talk to me.

A few days ago, (the reason for the "shoulder to cry on" blog post) was because of dad's inconsiderate and rather evil behavior.

Yet, I feel he ought to know that I'm going into hospital tomorrow. So, bro called to tell him.

A few days ago...

I believe it was done on purpose because he wasn't pleased with what Bro and I said about his packet of fresh milk that wasn't refrigerated, he spilled the milk on the floor near the sink and just walked away.

I was in the bathroom and saw the spilled milk when I came out. Was going to confront him about it, when bro told me not to.

I told bro, dad did it on purpose so that I clean up.

Now, I guess maybe shouldn't have told him I would be going for scan and stuff tomorrow.

I've always thought that Dad was not quite right in the head. Now I think he has become evil and inconsiderate.

He knows I'm not well and still he spilled it for me to clean up. Even if it were an accident, surely he could have said so.

I feel it was malicious intent. Which means... maybe shouldn't have informed him about my problem.

As mentioned, he didn't even ask to talk to me on the phone. Bro explained to him and according to Bro's reaction and quick putting down of the phone...it didn't sound like Dad cared.

At the moment, I wish I had a friend...

I feel as though I've a fever. Sad also. Worry.

My life is ... it feels so short. *tears up, but stops it* Mustn't cry. Mustn't.

I have to believe that the transfusion will be fine.

Yesterday, I created a blogspot to show my writing for the first time.

I hope to be able to continue doing it.

I am still so young. *faint teary smile* With things to do, even if no people to see.

I can only blame it on bad genes, and my mom and dad for reproducing.

Dad's father (my grandpa who passed away years ago), was a heavy smoker. Drank alcohol as well and gambled.

Grandpa's genes... I believe were damaged. The family line from there is not well.

Future generation like myself and bro have to put up with the defects of his genes. Unfair.

Yet these genes have given me a gift. It is why I can write.

If all does not go well... *tears up again*.. I wish to say here, that I've... not lived in vain.

I have tried my best to live it in the best possible way. Even though my writing is not published, I tried my best. I can only hope for time.

Time to finish my 2 novels and time to write more.

In this life, it is my misfortune to have met my past love who did not care for me as much as I loved her. My sadness that I have no good/close friend. My sadness... especially for 1 thing that I was unable to prevent.

It is hard to think on the bright side of this transfusion, and scan.

There is nothing I can do.

Grief...

I have to think positive. There is no other way. Think positive.